Logan

Sep. 5th, 2011 06:44 pm
more_flexible: (Angst: Giving In)
[personal profile] more_flexible
[day after this]

He'd taken the dog without consulting Logan and had gotten rid of it just the same. Loki was with a good home with someone who could give the dog more love and attention than Jack could, plus she wouldn't have to compete with any other dogs. It was a good deal and had made a boy happy.

Now all Jack had to worry about was if he was going to be Logan's next ex-husband. It had eaten at him all day, all night, every moment he wasn't throwing himself into work- and half the time when he was. End it. Jack acted like a bachelor...did he? Did he really? He had devoted himself to this marriage and to making it work. He adapted and changed and he knew Logan well enough that he could almost predict his moods. But sometimes those moods came out of left field and they left Jack reeling. Was he so wrong? Was he really so awful at this? Was he really just not cut out for being a husband? The longer he thought about it, the more he began to doubt himself. Maybe he was conning Logan, conning himself. Maybe it was the biggest lie he'd ever told, his insistence that he could actually be a better man. That he could be a husband and a father and something more than what he was. Maybe it was the biggest lie anyone had ever told. Maybe he hadn't really changed at all.

Or maybe he simply hadn't changed enough, or changed fast enough, and now Logan had reached the end of his rope. Jack couldn't say he was surprised. He'd been waiting for three years for Logan to wake up and realize that Jack was no prize. Hell, he wouldn't be the first person to leave...not vanish...actually leave him behind. The Time Agency had left him in the wind. The Doctor and Rose had gone of and left him behind.

Too many thoughts. Jack heaved a sigh and pulled off his shirt, sweating and filthy as he continued to work on the hut, their hut. He'd complete it no matter what. Make it ready for a baby.

Even if he wasn't around by the time the baby came.

Date: 2011-09-06 02:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] echolls-cursed.livejournal.com
He didn't sleep, he couldn't sleep. Mostly he just sat on the bed in his and Jack's secret cabin playing Joe's guitar.

If the other man had still been around, that's who he'd have gone to, that's where he'd be, sleeping in Joe's spare room. But Joe wasn't there, and all he had left was his guitar.

Everything was so fucked up. Joe was gone, and Jack- He didn't even know what was going on with Jack anymore. All he knew was he was sick of fighting. He was sick of being treated like his opinion didn't count for anything. He didn't want to lose the other man, but he wasn't going to stick around if this was how things were going to be between them.

He played all through the night, and in the morning took Linus for a long walk in the woods. He thought about going home more than once, but he just couldn't bring himself to go crawling back.

That wasn't who Logan Echolls was, it wasn't who he wanted to be, and in the end he simply walked back to the cabin instead.

He knew marriage was about compromise, but he wasn't budging on this. Jack couldn't just do what he wanted all the time, he had to start talking to Logan before making big choices. That was what married people did, wasn't it? That was how it worked.

No, he was sure he was right about this. A dog was a big deal, and again Jack had simply assumed he wouldn't care- or maybe not even wondered if he would care or not.

Date: 2011-09-06 02:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] captainjack.livejournal.com
Jack worked all day and with every passing hour he had the sinking feeling that Logan really meant it this time. He wondered where Logan had gone. Wondered if he was thinking of Jack at all.

Jack worked until he simply couldn't anymore and then he fed Sugar, put out some scraps for the cats, and grabbed what he needed so he could go take a shower and get clean. Clean and fed. He was just wasting time, though. The longer Logan was gone, the more ill he felt. He knew he should give Logan his space and yet...he couldn't just leave things like this. It was one hell of an ending to them. A couple who fought and fucked with an unrivaled passion and in the end it was just a few broken words and the closing of a door.

It couldn't really end like that. Not for them.

After he was clean and had choked down just enough food that he didn't feel hungry, Jack set out to find Logan. He checked Savannah's but she hadn't seen Logan. He thought about the second island and wondered if Linus would tolerate a boat ride. He'd go there later if he couldn't find Logan anywhere else. The most logical place was the cabin and so he borrowed a flashlight from the compound, knowing it would get dark before he could get there, and he set out into the jungle to see if he could find his husband.

He heard the guitar before he saw the cabin and knew he'd chosen wisely. Now all he had to do was figure out what to say and what to do. First...first he knocked, not sure if Logan would want to see him at all.

Date: 2011-09-06 02:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] echolls-cursed.livejournal.com
Logan had been playing one of Joe's songs, but he stopped halfway, plucking the stings and playing something familiar, something that had been haunting him all day. It wasn't quiet right at first, but eventually Logan found the right notes.

A familiar song filled the room, and eventually Logan started to sing along.

It was something off one of Jacks records. A song that, for whatever reason, always reminded Logan of Jack.

He sang the words softly though, unaware that anyone could be listening to him, even when Linus stirred and wandered over to the window to look out into the woods.

Date: 2011-09-06 02:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] captainjack.livejournal.com
He knocked, waited, and then debated for along moment about walking in. Ultimately he took hold of the handle and opened the door. Whatever else was going on, Logan was his husband and he loved him.

Linus was right there and Jack reached down to pet him, ruffing his ears and then pushing him away.

"That's beautiful," he said instead of hello.

Date: 2011-09-06 02:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] echolls-cursed.livejournal.com
Logan looked up, clearly startled, and he stopped playing. "It's okay," he shrugged, holding the guitar like a shield as he leaned back against the headboard.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked finally, his tone quiet and curious.

Date: 2011-09-06 02:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] captainjack.livejournal.com
"Looking for you," he answered honestly, but then he went quiet, not sure what else to say. He shifted from one foot to the other, then stepped in and closed the door behind him.

Date: 2011-09-06 02:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] echolls-cursed.livejournal.com
Logan sighed and put the guitar down carefully in its case.

He was quiet for a moment, and then swallowed hard. "I don't want this to be over," he admitted quietly. "But I can't do this if all we're gonna do is fight about the same shit all the time. I just- can't. That's what happened with Neil. Shit, it's what happened with Ronnie, and Lily too. We started having the same fights over and over- and that was the beginning of the end. With Lily it was the other boys. With Ronnie it was the fact that she never trusted me. With Neil- Shit, I don't even know anymore. There were too many fights to count. ...I can't do that with you, Jack. I cant watch this relationship die. I just- Can't. I know I'm the one who left, but... I just can't. I'd rather run away than watch everything we have fall apart. And that's what'll happen. Believe me, Jack, this is how it starts, and if we don't fix it, it's all gonna go to hell, man."

Date: 2011-09-06 03:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] captainjack.livejournal.com
"I don't know what to do, Logan. I try. All the time I try. I think about you and us and I'm trying so hard to be a good husband but I just keep pissing you off. It seems like it doesn't even matter that I'm working really hard," he said quietly. "I feel like I'm never going to be good enough. That's not your fault. You have every right to have a husband who does the right thing. I'm starting to think I'll never be that man. I didn't think Loki was a big deal. It didn't even occur to me that you wouldn't be okay with me keeping part of Daniel. It didn't seem big enough of a thing to warrant discussing it. I'm sorry."

Date: 2011-09-06 03:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] echolls-cursed.livejournal.com
"Right, I had a problem with you keeping a part of Daniel," Logan replied, his voice cold again. "Get out," he said, visibly upset. "If that's what you think, get the fuck out."

Jack knew it wasn't about that. It wasn't about that at all. It was about bringing a dog home. Not a memory, not a shirt or a trinket or something like that. It was a dog. A living animal. A huge responsibility.

"You really think I'm that cold? Fuck you."

Date: 2011-09-06 03:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] captainjack.livejournal.com
"No, I..." he started, then cut himself off. This was pointless. Absolutely pointless. There was a reason he relied on saying everything he wanted to with a kiss- when Jack talked about how he felt or what he thought he just dug himself into a deep hole.

"I got rid of her. I'm sorry, Logan. I'm so sorry," he said, utterly broken. He turned to go.

Date: 2011-09-06 03:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] echolls-cursed.livejournal.com
"I never said you couldn't have something to remember him. I would never do that. A dog isn't a keepsake, Jack. It's a living creature, and it's a big deal!"

He tossed a pillow at the man's back.

"I never said you had to get rid of her either. So fuck you. I'm not- I'm not mean! You make me feel like such an ass! All I want is for you to talk to me about shit! That's all I want, and you act like- You twist everything I say until I sound like the most unreasonable ass on the planet. I get upset that you fail to even mention to me that you might be bringing a dog home, and suddenly I don't want you to have something of Daniel's. Do you know how fucking childish that is? You twist shit around until you can justify what you did, when all you really had to do was say, 'Hey, Logan, I'm really sorry I brought home this dog without asking, but here's why I did it. Now let's figure out how the fuck were gonna deal with it.' No, you just say sorry and then act like I'm making you get rid of it, when we never even talked about it. You sulk and you manipulate, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it, okay? If I behaved like this, you'd tell me I was being a child."
Edited Date: 2011-09-06 03:23 am (UTC)

Date: 2011-09-06 03:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] captainjack.livejournal.com
"I didn't tell you she was Daniel's because I didn't want to deal with it!" he exploded. "He's gone! They're all gone! Joe's gone, Daniel's gone, and hundreds of others and I can't take it any more! It's not about the fucking dog, Logan! I can't...All I have are little things. A dress or a book or a bit of glass or whatever. I have a trunk full of little bits of people I've loved and I don't think I can do it anymore."

Once he started talking it all just kind of spilled out, words tumbled faster and faster.

"It's not you. It's never you. You're not an ass. You're not unreasonable. You're not a villain. I just...I just..." he said, sobbing in fast breaths as he tried to force himself not to fall apart. The Doctor always told him he couldn't survive by pushing things down. Eventually it all exploded and all the hurt that he his away came rushing out. All the pain of the loss of his friends, all the pain of how he failed Logan on a daily basis, all the pain of his doubts and fears, all the pain of everything. It was like a dam had broken and everything he so stoically held back came out in hitched words and little gasps, not a single word making any sense.

He wasn't the rock he tried to be. Jack did a very good job pretending he wasn't broken...but that really was the biggest lie.

Date: 2011-09-06 03:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] echolls-cursed.livejournal.com
Logan said nothing at first. Part of him was furious that Jack was breaking down, because again it meant that nothing was fixed. Nothing was better. Jack wasn't accepting that he should have said something before bringing the animal home, simply giving an excuse as to why he'd done it. They weren't dealing with anything at all.

He knew he couldn't say that though, not when Jack was clearly in pain. Logan was angry, and this wasn't a good result, but he loved the other man, and he didn't want him to hurt.

"I'm your husband," he said finally. "You should have just said something to me. We could have talked about it and worked something out. Instead you just-"

He trailed off, knowing there was no reason to say it all again. But how was he supposed to know what was going on when Jack just brought a dog home, laughing and smiling like always?

"A dog isn't going to help you remember him, same way a guitar isn't how I remember Joe. I get it, Jack. I do. I know you think I don't, but I understand- but... The dog wasn't the answer, and you know it. And as much as this is about Daniel, it's..."

He got up and walked over to the other man, stroking his cheek and tugging him closer.

"You shut me out. You shut me out of decisions, you shut me out of your emotions... I don't think you have a clue just how much that hurts me, man. You have no idea, Jack. It makes me feel like I'm nothing to you. You miss them, I get that, I really get that, okay? But I'm here, and-"

And what? Logan didn't know. He just knew it all felt wrong.

"Just forget it. Consider the fight over, okay?"

He gave up. He was never going to win this fight, and they would never change. He couldn't walk away though, and he couldn't end this. He loved Jack too much.

His stomach sank and he looked away. All he could do was hold on until it all went to shit.
Edited Date: 2011-09-06 03:51 am (UTC)

Date: 2011-09-06 03:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] captainjack.livejournal.com
His head hurt. He actually hurt all over, inside and out, but his head hurt the most. He was still while Logan talked, while he touched him, but then Logan got that tone in his voice and the last bit of Jack fractured.

"Don't leave me, Logan," he said quietly. It was a heavy request. It wasn't just the need to be away from Jack or the seeming inevitability that they were going to call the marriage over. Jack was certain that Logan vanishing was something he wouldn't be able to live through.

"I'm trying. I'm slow but don't give up. Please don't give up on me and walk away. I'll try harder. I'll...talk. I don't act like a bachelor. I don't. I think about you all the time. I'm trying so hard, Logan. Please don't..."

He swallowed hard.

"We're a family."

Date: 2011-09-06 04:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] echolls-cursed.livejournal.com
"I couldn't leave you even if I wanted to," Logan admitted quietly, still sounding tired and broken down.

"I need you."

He pulled away and sat back down on the bed as he rubbed his face. "I love you, and I know you've changed a lot. I like to think we both have, but- Whatever, just- Just forget it. Fight's over, okay? It's done."

He flopped onto his side looking as broken down as he felt. It was the first time in a long time that Logan had lost that fire that kept him fighting. The last time he'd looked so defeated was the day he'd lost Neil.

Date: 2011-09-06 04:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] captainjack.livejournal.com
Linus began to whine and walked to Logan and nudged against him. He could tell Logan was upset. He wormed his way in, licking and whimpering.

Jack was still for a long moment and then he moved closer to join Logan on the bed. He wanted to hold him and feel him close. He didn't want to fight. This same old fight made him feel like he was nothing but a constant fuck up. He felt like he'd never be good enough.

But he got within arm's reach and Linus began to growl. The dog hadn't growled at him in so long that it took Jack by surprise and he froze.

Even the dog knew that Jack was wrong.

Date: 2011-09-06 04:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] echolls-cursed.livejournal.com
"Stop it, Linus," Logan said quietly, watching as Linus bared his teeth.

"I said stop it."

His voice lacked the right tone, but Linus knew what 'stop' meant, and he barked once before turning away and claiming the pillow Logan had tossed.

Date: 2011-09-06 04:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] captainjack.livejournal.com
Only when Linus was settled did Jack sitt at the foot of the bed and lay his hand on Logan's leg.

"I miss when you'd just hit me when I fucked up," he said quietly. "I think fighting like this hurts more than just...fighting."

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Do you want me to go? I get it if you want to be alone for a while. Just promise you'll come home to me."

Date: 2011-09-06 04:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] echolls-cursed.livejournal.com
"I didn't ask you to go," Logan said, his voice cracking as if he might break down next.

"I miss it too. It was so much easier when you wouldn't let me walk away, when you'd make me stay. It was easier when we'd take a swing, because at least then I knew why it hurt. We have these stupid fights, and I just feel- nothing. I feel numb right now, and I hate that- because I've never felt that way with you before. You never let me close off before."

Date: 2011-09-06 04:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] captainjack.livejournal.com
That was just as good as a clear invitation. Jack kicked off his shoes and moved fully onto the bed. He stretched out against Logan and wrapped his arm around him.

"I'm not letting you," he assured Logan. "Maybe I am. I don't know. I'm so afraid of losing you, Logan. Things are changing. I think about the baby all the time and about my parents and they didn't fight and I want us to be...good parents. Best friends. Healthy."

Jack paused and pressed a kiss to Logan's shoulder.

"I don't think we're ever going to be healthy. But...I don't want to fight anymore. We'll figure it out. I love you. I understand needing to be alone, but I'm never going to let you go."

Date: 2011-09-06 04:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] echolls-cursed.livejournal.com
"Maybe we've changed too much. Maybe healthy for us is violent and intense. Maybe that's just what makes us work," Logan said quietly, rolling slowly so he could face Jack.

Date: 2011-09-06 04:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] captainjack.livejournal.com
"Maybe so," he agreed, his own mind having gone to the same place. "But that's not good for a kid, is it? I don't want our child asking why you his me in the face or why you're all bruised. That's...that's fucked up."

Date: 2011-09-06 04:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] echolls-cursed.livejournal.com
Logan hadn't meant they'd do it in front of the kid, or that they'd punch one another in the face- but he didn't say that. He didn't say anything for a while.

"Yeah, fucked up," he agreed quietly, rolling back over and watching Linus as the dog stretched out and yawned.

Date: 2011-09-06 05:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] captainjack.livejournal.com
Jack held on and with every moment that passed he held on tighter. Tighter until his arm was flexed and hard and he couldn't possibly pull Logan any tighter to him.

"I'm sorry I didn't just tell you," he said after a long stretch of silence. "It's easier to pretend like it doesn't bother me anymore. People vanishing. I just push it down. I'm strong for other people. But sometimes it just about kills me," he said softly, hesitantly making one of a thousand confessions that Logan deserved to hear.

Date: 2011-09-06 05:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] echolls-cursed.livejournal.com
Jack's hold was almost painful- but it felt good to feel something. It felt good to feel Jack.

"I know," he said quietly. "I'm still pissed you brought a dog home though," he said honestly.

"No- I'm not even pissed about that anymore. I'm pissed that you'd accuse me of not wanting you to have a reminder of your friend. You must really think I'm an ass. Am I? Am I mean to you?" he asked seriously.

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