[for the doctor]

[more_flexible]

Thursday was a spectacular day. Not too hot, not too humid, the sky was a gorgeous blue and the breeze stirred the air just enough. Jack woke with the sun and was finishing up the cutting of the treads. He had a pile of bamboo cut to length for spindles and he'd selected the nearby tree he'd use for the center support. Now all he needed was to assemble the spiral staricase up twenty feet or so, and then fix the landing so the short bridge would tie on.

Sometimes he was really happy with the bookshelf.

Comments

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I'm angry with you all the time," Jack shot back. "Angry and hurt and disappointed and I'm tired of it so I'm trying very hard not to care at all. I'm sure you can guess how well that's going."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"Well, you seem to have done a damned good job of telling everyone but the person who you're angry at," the Doctor said. "Bravo, Jack. And bravo at the postmodern interpretation of the truth. Adapts to whomever you're talking to, doesn't it. Apparently sugar-coated anger is what you give the man who has everything, i.e. me?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Did you just say eye eee?" he asked, looking at him incredulously. "And I haven't told anyone about being pissed off, or hurt, or anything. The nearest I came was telling Rob I didn't want to talk about how much you love him and aren't leaving him." Then he looked into the Doctor's eyes with cold, hard determination. "Don't make me a liar on that."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"Whatever," the Doctor said, making a dismissive gesture in regards to whatever he might have said. "And fine. What do you want from me? What am I supposed to do? Clearly what I've been doing doesn't cut the mustard!"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Don't fucking DISMISS me like that!" he yelled, shaking a bit. "Where do you get off just throwing me aside whenever you feel like it? And why the fuck do I keep coming back to you? Again," he reached up shove him back, "and again and again."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"I dismissed you because I thought that was what you wanted, you who fucking go off to the fucking forest and come back days later, and then 'Doctor, I'm only shagging Greg', and what else am I going to think but you don't want to be anywhere near me? Here I am trying NOT to throw people aside and you just keep insisting that I do it!"

Fortunately, the Doctor was on the ground and caught himself by taking a step back. His eyes narrowed. "But this isn't about me, not entirely, you're hacked off at yourself because you can't bloody get over it."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"No one gets over you," Jack said, his voice breaking. "And no one can win with you. I'm selfish. I'm mad at myself. I'm the one with the problem and you're the one trying so hard. What was it?" he asked, tears slipping down his cheeks. "You're worth it? ...you used to be."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"You're not all that selfish and you're not entirely wrong," the Doctor said, hackles still raised. "I'm a jerk, yes. But maybe I have been bloody trying."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"You're not the only one," he shot back, moving past him to pick up another tread.

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"Jack." The Doctor caught his wrist and looked at him, brow furrowed. "Tell me what to do."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He looked down at the hand on his wrist and froze. "If I knew, I'd tell you."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

The Doctor looked him in the eye, or tried to. "Jack."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack looked up at the sound of his name. "Doctor."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"I really am sorry," the Doctor said, and leaned in, kissing him slowly, carefully.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

His lips trembled as he fought every impulse to reach around and hold on, and the desire to beg him not to go.

Begging was avoided, but holding...it was accompanied by a soft whimper against the Doctor's lips.

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"Jack," the Doctor said quietly, against his mouth, leaning his forehead against his.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"It hurts," he sobbed softly, clutching at the belt loops at his waist. "I'm trying, but it hurts."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"I know," the Doctor said, putting an arm around him. "There's not any other way, Jack. Not for what you want."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I'll never stop loving you. It hurts seeing you kissing everyone but me," he admitted quietly. "I can't touch you without wanting more...I suck at this."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

He nodded, leaning his forehead against Jack's. "I know, sweet. But I have to live," he explained. "You're doing better than some would have."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I know...just don't be surprised when I pull away because I don't want to see it. Or hear it," he sighed, finally letting go and stepping back.

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"Okay," the Doctor said, settling his gaze still on Jack. He...was glad to hear the truth.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Would you still like to help?" he asked as he picked up the tread again.

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"Yeah," the Doctor said, definitively. He handed a few parts over.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Work was good. Work gave him something to focus on besides words and thoughts and half naked people he missed so much it made him ache. Ten steps, bannister, ten more, another bannister. The staircase went up quickly...relatively.