Saturday 20th/Sunday 21st

[more_flexible]

[continues from here]

Jack had returned to the party, had drank some and smiled some- just like nothing was wrong- had danced some, and then he came back home. Alone. He hadn't even tried to pick anyone up. Even if he'd left the fight with every intention of finding a single willing body, when the opportunity presented itself, he had to admit that he just wasn't interested. Oh, he was a little interested. Just not enough to leave with anyone, and certainly not enough to take them home to the bed where Logan ought to have been.

He simply went home alone, fell into bed still dressed, and slept off the booze until the sun was above the trees. It took a minute after he woke up to fit everything that had happened into place and once he had, he came to one conclusion.

He felt like such a dick.

After he changed his clothes, Jack headed for the Hamlet, only to find that Logan hadn't gotten there last night. Since he really didn't want Joe having to lug his corpse off into the jungle to somewhere he'd never be found, he simply suggested that maybe he'd misheard and that Logan was going to Anne's. It bought him enough time to go back home and try to puzzle out where the younger man had gone. It was a little while before he noticed the box that held the gun askew on the shelf. Jack went over and looked, relieved to find the gun still in there, but upon further investigation he saw the wedding ring was gone. It got him to look around more carefully and he found the lighter was missing, and the cell phone, too. As were a few other things. Logan's things. Logan's most important things.

The missing items and the fact that Logan had never made it to Joe's settled on him and he was sure he couldn't breathe. He sat down heavily, missing the chair and landing on the floor. He knew it would happen one day; he'd known Logan would vanish. He just wasn't ready. They hadn't even gotten married yet.

Comments

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

It seemed wrong to go to Joe's after a fight with Jack. Not just because the other man had a life of his own and deserved a good night's sleep- but because Jack had only just started to win him over. Admitting they'd had a fight, and explaining what the fight had been about, really only had one possible outcome. An outcome that involved the anger of Joe Dick, and one very uncomfortable wedding.

That was, if they were still getting married.

Making his way down the beach, Logan wasn't so sure it was a great idea anymore, and as he sat down by the caves, he pulled his silver wedding band from his pocket. His last solid reminder of his first marriage.

The ring still fit. He wasn't sure why that surprised him, but it did. Neil had given it to him so long ago, and somehow it still fit. It still looked right wrapped around his ring finger, even though he'd spent forever convincing himself it was all wrong.

On the other hand was the ring Jack had made him for valentine's day, and he toyed with it for a moment before settling in and closing his eyes.

He didn't sleep much, but it was still late by the time he started to head back to the hut, trying to think of an apology that was honest. He wasn't sorry for saying how he felt, but he was sorry for storming off and not thinking before he spoke. There were so many other ways he could have gotten his point across.

He also tried not to think about who Jack had brought home and if they'd fucked in their bed, and he silently promised himself he wouldn't ask. ...that even though it hurt, he'd let it go.

Opening the door, he was silent for a moment before calling out, hoping that Jack's guest was already gone.

"Jack?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there, knees drawn to his chest and his arms wrapped around them tightly. The cord of his necklace was tangled around his fingers and the bullet was trapped his his palm.

At the sound of his name, his head snapped up to see who was coming in. His eyes were beyond red and he hadn't bothered to even attempt to dry his face. Even after all those who had vanished, Jack was grieving unlike he ever had before.

But Logan was there. Logan was right there in the doorway and he hadn't disappeared. Jack tried to say his name, but nothing came out. It felt like there was a fist closed around his throat as tightly as his own held the bullet. He almost didn't believe what he was seeing. He'd been certain the younger man was gone.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan could count on one hand how many times he'd seen Jack cry, and he dropped his bag before rushing over. Everything that had happened the night before simply vanished for a moment, all thought replaced with concern as he tried to see if Jack was hurt, or simply hurting.

"What happened?" he asked, his voice low and even. "Are you okay? You weren't out at the reef, were you?" he pressed, moving to feel the other man's forehead as he tried not to panic at the memory of how much pain Jack had been in when he'd been stung.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He reached out and took hold of Logan, his grip moving from his shirt to his arm, the other hand cupping his jaw before sliding around to hold his neck.

"I...thought...you...vanished," he managed to say between sobbing breaths. Just saying it brought fresh, hot tears to his eyes. "Your...things're...gone."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Confused, Logan glanced around the hut before turning his gaze back on Jack. "Jack, I told you I wasn't going to be here... You thought I vanished?" he asked, feeling somewhat guilty, but mostly just surprised.

Wetting his lips, he settled in on his knees and pulled Jack closer. "Hey, I didn't vanish though, okay? I'm right here. My stuff's right here. I just took it with me."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack struggled to pull himself together. Logan was here and he was fine. Actually, fine didn't matter, so long as he was here. There was no reason for the raw vulnerability or the fresh pain. It was all...fine.

"Sorry," he said, sniffling hard and letting Logan go. "I just...I came home and passed out, then you weren't at Joe's and your important things were gone and I just thought the worst," he explained as he calmed down. It felt like it had been ages, when it had probably only been a couple hours. "And after last night, I just..."

He wiped his face and drew back a little more so he could get up off the floor. He wasn't just a dick, he was weak- but they both knew that.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Leaning over, Logan kissed Jack's forehead gently, stroking his hair as he pulled away to look at him.

"I'm sorry, I should have left a note. I just- I thought you'd be busy," he said, glancing away and ignoring the way his stomach twisted again. "I didn't think staying at Joe's would be a good idea though. You two only just started kind of getting along. He would have wanted to know what we were fighting about, and he would have just ended up taking my side and hating you again. -I was upset, but I didn't want that."

Clearing his throat softly, he looked down for a moment before speaking again. "I took my stuff with me because I had a lot to think about.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Should have left a note. He should have left a note. How many times had Jack heard that? Hell, how many times had he gotten punched in the mouth because he hadn't left a note? It made him bark a sharp, bitter laugh.

"A note. Right. Yeah, next time it might seem like you've vanished from my life and I'm gonna have to tell your dad that you're gone, be sure to leave a note," he said, tilting his chin up so he was looking at the ceiling and willing the burn in the corners of his eyes to quit.

"That way I can read it while I'm so busy not fucking anyone else, just like I haven't been, you ass!" He shoved Logan's shoulder, but all he managed to do was force himself backward. He didn't know if he wanted laugh or cry or fight, but it was obvious he couldn't do all three at once.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"What? Jack, you were the one who stormed off last night to go fuck someone, just to prove some kind of point. I told you I wouldn't be here! I'm sorry I scared you, but- I wasn't trying to hurt you," Logan said, forcing himself to stay calm, even though part of him wanted to point out that it had felt like Jack was trying to hurt him last night.

The silver band was still on his finger, right where he'd left it when he'd fallen asleep, but he slipped it off as he shifted from his knees to sit down properly, only a few inches away from Jack. "I just had a lot on my mind. Plus, I dunno, I wasn't sure I'd want to come home right away. It seemed like a good idea to take a few things with me."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack lowered his chin and leveled his gaze on Logan. He didn't know how to explain that it wasn't hurt...it was fear. Fear wasn't something he was used to and grief was something he worked to avoid.

"I just left," he said quietly. "There's no one else, Logan, and you know it. There might be...some day...but not now. Not for a long time now. Not since this." He held up his hand and let the bullet dangle from his fingers. Months. It had been months and it didn't make any difference.

"I've told Helen no. Maureen, too. Bagoas. Alcuin. I've told everyone no because I have you to come home to. I know you think I'm a slut, Logan; I wish you had a little faith in me, though."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I don't think you're a slut, Jack," Logan replied with a sigh. "I don't think you just want to fuck anything you can. I think you're just afraid to commit in case something better comes along later. I think you want me to tell you it's okay to get bored or find someone else- but it's not okay. It could happen, yeah, but that doesn't mean it's okay. Honestly, I dunno what you're more afraid of, missing out, or messing up when someone new catches your eye. This whole, 'I can fuck whoever I want', thing- it's not about being free to fuck around. It's just your backdoor out of this relationship. And I don't care how much you hate that word, that's what this is. That's what it's been for a long time now."

He was getting worked up again, and he held the ring tightly in his clenched fist as he took a deep breath. "And you know how I know? Because I've felt that way. I know that at least part of the reason I fucked things up so badly with Neil is because I was always convinced I was missing out on something else. I was so stuck on the fact that I was still young, and there were so many people out there... I never strayed, not really, but I know that feeling that way is a big part of what split us up. I was so bitter about being tied down, when in the end, it turned out that back then that I only wanted him. I could have had a really good life with him, if I'd just shut up and stopped being so scared. I watched how badly I hurt him, and I dunno if I can deal with you hurting me the same way.

...Maybe we should call the wedding off."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He felt like he had whiplash and he honestly had no clue how he was supposed to react to that. It had gone from a spat to walking out to thinking Logan had vanished to having him there and now...now the wedding was off? Now Jack just wanted a back door out of all this? He stared at Logan and thought that he should have never gotten this deep into it in the first place. He'd known for a while there was no going back- Not without one or both of them being gutted.

And that was just about how he felt.

"You...want that?" he managed to ask. Maybe they should, but he didn't want to. "I don't, but if we're not in this together then maybe...maybe we should. "

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I don't want that," Logan said quietly. "Jack, I love you. I meant it when I said I wanted to be with you forever. I'm just- ...I'm scared, okay? I'm scared that I'm going to just end up getting hurt again. I'm scared that I'm never going to be enough. And I'm sorry if you hate me for being scared, but I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and act like it's not on my mind."

Uncurling his fingers, he looked down at the small silver wedding band in the palm of his hand. "I dunno what I'm looking for even. I don't expect you to promise to be monogamous, I don't expect you to change, I just... I dunno. I feel like I need something from you. Does that make sense?" he asked, putting the ring down on the floor, and slowly crawling over to where the other man sat, settling in beside him and resting lightly against his side.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"What do you need from me, Logan?" Jack asked, his voice growing softer and more wary with every heartbeat. He wasn't entirely certain he'd balk at anything Logan said, but there was always a chance. It could happen. Maybe.

"What...you don't want a promise, so...what?" He sighed and shook his head before staring at his feet. "I don't have any idea what it'll take to get you to see that I'm...Logan, I really don't know what you need. You have everything I can give you. I don't lie to you. I tell you everything. I do things with you I'd never trust anyone here enough to even consider. There are things that are only yours. And...and when I thought you'd vanished...I just have to know what you need."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan honestly wasn't sure what he needed, and he was silent for a long moment before he finally spoke up.

"I know that right now you only want me, but- But if that ever changes, if you ever find someone else. Tell me. Before anything happens, tell me. Promise me you'll just tell me you want them. Give me a chance to be ready. I promise I'll do the same for you."

The thought of ever having that discussion was enough to make his stomach clench, and he swallowed hard as he pressed closer. "I'm sorry I scared you this morning, and I'm sorry for flipping out last night. I just- I panicked."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Rolling his shoulder in a slight shrug, he kept his eyes on his feet.

"I'd have done that anyhow," he said slowly. "It's not like I don't know what a marriage is, you know. My mom and dad were, well, you know. Married. It's kind of a universal thing. I just don't want to fuck this up, Logan. I can't lose you. I guess I need you more than I thought I did. I think I get it, now. Panic all you want...I"m not going anywhere."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan seemed to relax, content with Jack's reply as he closed his eyes and wrapped one arm around the other man.

"I'm not going anywhere either. I'm not going to vanish," he said after a bit. "This island isn't getting rid of me anytime soon. You're stuck with me, Harkness."

He went quiet again for a moment, turning his head and kissing Jack's wet cheek before reaching over to rub away the damp spots. "You ever call me a kid again in that tone of voice though, I swear to god, I'll kick your ass."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I think I can handle that," he said as he cracked the first genuine smile he'd had since they were at the party together.

"You'll try to kick my ass," he continued, actually huffing a real laugh. "But you'll probably just make me wait. You're so good at that."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Hey, I could totally kick your ass if I wanted to, okay?" Logan insisted, even though he knew it wasn't true. "And I am good at that. It's been all night now, hasn't it? I'm surprised you haven't pinned me down and demanded I get you off. I think you're getting soft, Jack."

He smirked, and as if to prove a point, he started to get to his feet, arms spread wide as if daring the other man to fight him.

It was childish and stupid, but Logan didn't care. It was just nice to hear Jack laugh after seeing him in tears.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Sorry if I had something on my mind other than getting off," Jack said dryly as he got to his feet. In fact, even after Logan mentioned it, fucking wasn't what was on his mind. He sauntered closer, hands at hip level and palms open, beckoning Logan to come closer.

"I really thought you were gone," he repeated as he closed the distance, one step at a time. "I don't know what I'd do if this place took you away from me...and it's got nothing to do with sex. That's not the only reason I'm with you. It's not even the reason I'm with you."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

It was rare that Jack didn't pounce on an opportunity to have sex, and Logan faltered a little as he realized just how upset the other man had been. He'd never really considered how people might react if he ever vanished, he'd never considered himself important enough to make any kind of real impact. But now... Well now he sort of got it. Now he knew what it would do to Jack.

He stepped closer to meet Jack half-way, wrapping his arms around the other man and holding on. "I know," he said quietly. "Jack, I know it's not about sex. I'm not going anywhere. This place can't take me away, not if I don't want to go. I wont let it. I love you, I want to be here with you. I didn't even want to be away from you last night, I just didn't want to see who you might bring home."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I won't bring anyone home," he said with absolute certainty. "That's our bed. Just you and me. I wouldn't do that. And last night...I wasn't going to pick anyone up just to prove a point. I'm not going to use people. I'm not even sure I could. Not anymore."

That was a truth he'd been unwilling to believe until it had hit him in the face last night. He could have fucked someone. Maureen or Helen, maybe, except Helen was never lonely and Maureen had been busy every time he saw her. He couldn't imagine a man he'd want to go home with. Alcuin had Giles, and there was Bagoas, whose bed he could have shared. He could have even found his way to Daniel's doorstep. But none of them would mean anything to him and that wasn't fair to them. He wouldn't have gotten lost...he'd have been thinking about Logan.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"So why did you say you were?" Logan asked.

And yeah, okay, maybe he was pushing for an apology. He could admit he'd been a little bitchy the night before, and maybe a little too insecure- But that didn't change the fact that Jack had behaved like an asshole.

Looking down, he pulled away ust long enough to retrieve his wedding band from the floor, slipping it into his pocket before turning his attention back to Jack.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He only shrugged.

"Because I got scared an I'm an asshole," he said simply.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Total asshole," Logan agreed, moving to sit down on the bed.

"You alright?" he asked after a long moment. "How long had you been sitting here before I got home?" he asked.