[for gwen]

[more_flexible]

Jack had parked himself on the sofa in the rec room with a cup of coffee to get him to something like awake. He'd just finished and put away the newest Torchwood...that bookshelf made him want to die a thousand times sometimes. So Tosh knew his secret. His most closely guarded secret. As soon as he'd finished, he found scissors and shredded the tape into tiny pieces and fed them into the fireplace.

Details, details, details were piling up like weights on his shoulders. He really almost hoped for a catastrophe just so he'd quit thinking about himself for five minutes.

Comments

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

Gwen's been searching for nearly two hours now, and each moment that passes that she doesn't lay eyes on Jack, she edges a bit closer to hysteria. Normally, she wouldn't think anything of it -- He could be anywhere, after all -- but today, today, her mind's gone all sorts of terrible places, and she needs to see him, to touch him, to confirm he's really there.

When she works her way back to the rec room, she expects to find Tosh there, although she isn't sure why. There's no reason why the other woman should've waited around that long, not when she'd left so abruptly, not when she'd been so rude. Instead of Tosh, however, she finds Jack, sitting in front of the fire with a cup of his damned coffee as if everything's perfectly normal and he's not been dead a bloody week back home, and oh-

She's not really thinking when she throws herself at him, arms holding fast around his neck.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He exhaled a rouh 'oof', arms opening wide as she clamped on to him like a vice. But something was wrong, the way she held him was new. Desperate. Scared?

"Hey," he said warm and easy, wrapping his free arm around her back. "I missed you, too," he teased lightly, unsure of what was going on.

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

Leaning back, Gwen takes his face in her hands and simply looks at him for a long moment, and she's shaking now, but it's so good to see him, so good to look into his eyes that she's scarcely noticed. "Jack," she says, and nothing else for several beats, the name like a confirmation.

Swallowing, she continues, "I just needed to see you."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He looked back at her like he was waiting patiently for the punchline of a joke that he knew wasn't going to be funny.

"Okay," he said with a lopsided smile. "I'll bite. Why did you just need to see me?"

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

"Toshiko's here," Gwen replies without elaborating, and God, she may never have been more happy to see him smile, not ever. For a few seconds, she fusses over him, smoothing her fingers over his forehead and then straightening his collar.

"Jack," she begins again, looking at his shirt instead of him. "You know I'll never leave you, right?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He blinked, his voice trapped somewhere in his throat. So many things he could say, wanted to say, if only he could tell her. Tell her how much that meant to him and he'd never thought about needing it like he needed it now.

Reaching up, he caught her hadns to still them, his face stony and serious. "I know, Gwen," he said softly. "I know you won't leave. And I know about Tosh. Tell me what's wrong."

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

The trouble here is that she doesn't want to tell him, but he isn't asking, now. He's instructing. Hesitantly, her eyes lift to his again, confirming that it wasn't a request.

"She- She just said some things. About you. And I was worried, but it's silly. You're fine."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack paled. He couldn't help it. He felt the blood drain from his face and he held her hands tighter. "What. Did. She. Say?"

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

Her hands twist beneath his so that she can squeeze them back. "She said that you'd died," she quietly admits, but then shakes her head. "But you can't- I know you can't, and she said I'd sat with your body a week because I swore you'd come back." A deep breath. "And you did. You did." It may be that she's trying to convince herself as much as Jack.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Relaxing visibly, he took a deep breath and blinked at her for a minute before pulling her in to his arms. "It's okay, Gwen. I'm alive and I'm here. It's okay."

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

"I won't leave you, Jack," Gwen insists again against his neck, clinging to him almost desperately. "I won't. I believe in you, and I know you say that you're not my Jack, but-" Leaning back, she looks in his eyes again. "You are."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack swallowed hard and nodded. "Yeah," he said as he smiled softly. Cupping he cheek, he rubbed his thumb beneather her eye along her cheekbone. It was a good thing she realized it, otherwise he'd have felt horrible for being so possessive of her so quickly. "I'll be your Jack."

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

"You're the same man inside," Gwen murmurs, slipping one hand down to press the palm against his chest over his heart. "I have to believe that, Jack." In fact, it wasn't simply a belief for her, it was unalterable fact.

"How are you?" she asks, threading the fingers of her other hand with his. "I've been worried."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I'm fine," he smiled, still holding her face. "I'll be fine. Just...everything, you know? Love and murder and life," he explained with a shrug.

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

"No, I don't know," Gwen quietly admits. "You never tell me anything." It was an exaggeration, but not much of one, all things considered. However, it wasn't anything she was unused to.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"You caught me on a good night. Ask me anything. What do you want to know first?"

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

That takes her by surprise, and at first Gwen isn't sure how to react, wondering if he's trying to put her on. "Really?" she asks, uncertain. "Anything at all?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He leaned back into the cushions and spread his arms. "Anything at all. But keep in mind that I really am not the Jack you know from Torchwood, so those secrets have to stay where they are," he grinned.

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

"Why can't you die?" Gwen asks, almost abrupt, like it's been sitting there in her mind waiting to be asked for ages... Which it has.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I'm sure that here I can," he said. "Here...everyone is just normal humans. But the reason I can't die is because I was exterminated by the Daleks and this girl I used to know brought me back to life. But there's always a catch. Rose wasn't just Rose, she was infused with the Time Vortex and when she brought me back...no more dying."

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

Well, she'd wanted an answer. Why she'd expected it to make any sort of sense to her, Gwen isn't sure. "Oh," she says, possibly feeling more ignorant than before. "What did you do before Torchwood? And when you said- You said to me, that you needed the right kind of doctor..." Her brows arched. "You meant him, didn't you?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, I did. She was with him the last time I saw them. But she's gone now," he said tightly. "Even without being here."

He cleared his throat and looked up at her.

"Before Torchwood, before the Doctor, I worked for the Time Agency. I was a soldier, time police, spy, assassin, thief...a lot of things went along with it. Then they took two years of my memory and I went out on my own. I was a conman and a criminal and a geneally Bad Man," he grinned.

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

"But... who is he, Jack?" Gwen's brows draw together, the uncertainty and inner conflict clear across her features. It feels wrong, somehow, to not tell him, but at the same time, she's wondering if he already knows. He always seems to know, and Gwen's not certain if that's because he's exceptionally perceptive, or because she's exceptionally transparent.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"He's the Doctor," he answered, laughing softly. "He's...he's the last of the Time Lords from a planet called Gallifrey. He's a time traveller, a hero, a saviour and a warrior and the most amazing being I've ever met," he said, his admiration, devotion and love as clear as crystal.

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

And he got snot all over my shirt.

"Wow," Gwen says, at a bit of a loss, and it occurs to her with an unexpected sort of clarity that she might very well describe Jack the same way. The realization makes her flush a little, and she averts her eyes again.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"And he's a fantastic fuck, don't you think?" he asked, eyebrow arched as he looked at her. "He'll get into your blood, Gwen. Be careful," he asked softly, hand trailing up her back.

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

Eyes wide, Gwen's head snaps up, and she falters, trying to think of something to say, trying to find the right words for this, but there aren't any. "I-" she begins, but isn't sure how to even start. The look on her face is akin to terror, because just now, sitting under that heavy gaze, she's realized how badly she wants to not disappoint him.

"Jack, I- I meant to tell you." It's just a white lie, barely even a fib, but it makes her feel worse to have said it.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I know," he nodded. "He beat you to it. Don't look like that, Gwen. I'm not upset."

Anymore.

"Just be careful, okay? I care what happens to you, and I don't want you to get hurt."

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

"It was just the once, Jack, I swear it," Gwen insists, as if being emphatic now will make up for keeping the truth from him all this time. "And then he was crying the one day, and I took him in and gave him some tea and he cried on my shirt, but nothing else happened-" Her words clip short, and she shakes her head, confused. "Why d'you think I'm going to get hurt? I thought you just said he was amazing."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"He's the reason I died," he answered softly. "I'd follow him to my death again and again...don't let that happen. Don't lose your way with some kind of blind devotion like that," he asked as he tucked her hair behind her ear.

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

Gwen exhales abruptly, like he's knocked the wind from her, because she can't believe she's hearing him say this, not after what they'd just been talking about. How can he not know? How can he not understand?

"I'm not lost," she replies, indignant. "And he's not the person I follow."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

His handstill against her head, Jack leaned forward and pulled her in to kiss her forehead. "I know, Gwen. You're mine."

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

Gwen's eyes fall closed, and she swallows hard, because even though they'd both known, even though it had been apparent from day one, saying it seems to make it more real, and the acknowledgment sends her a bit unsteady.

"Yes," she whispers. "I'm yours." For good, now, and on so many levels. No chance of changing it, and just the finality of that is as terrifying as it is reassuring.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack smiled against her skin, fingers tangling in her hair a little. "My very own Gwen Cooper. Just what I always wanted," he teased, not letting her go in the slightest.

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

"I knew it," Gwen chuckles, nuzzling closer. "Getting me to sign up for Torchwood was all part of your grand plan, wasn't it?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, I'm sure it was," he laughed, hugging her with solid arms tight to his chest. "Don't be afraid, Gwen. I'll care for you."

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

"I know, Jack," she assures him, laying her head against the curve of his shoulder. "I'm not afraid." Not of anything other than losing him, perhaps. "I love you, Jack," she whispers against his neck, barely audible.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I know," he replied, holding her close. He wasn't going to lie to her, and maybe it would come in time, but right now those three words would just be hollw.

[be-normal.livejournal.com]

It made sense, of course, because that was how these things worked. She was supposed to love Jack, because, well... Because he was Jack, and they all love Jack, on some level. But Jack can't let himself love them back, not that same way, and Gwen's always understood that, just as she understands it now, even though it stings, just a little.

Perhaps she should pull away now, maybe make excuses, put some distance between them to save face, but Gwen can't bring herself to do that, because being in Jack's arms has always felt more right than just about anything else in her life. And so she simply sighs, eyes closing, and keeps that one hand over his heart, because that steady thrum beneath her fingertips means more to her than she can rightly say.