[for ianto]

[more_flexible]

After the fight, Jack left the treehouse and walked. He didn't know where he was going, or what he would do. Had that really been it? After all this time?

He wandered aimlessly in the darkness, too numb with shock to think or feel much. Greg. He couldn't wrap his mind around it. He'd been dumped. Nothing he'd done was good enough. Nothing made any difference in the long run. For a few months, a few really good months, he had mattered. Not in the future. Now.

Then.

Now he wasn't worth it. Now it was too hard to accept him as he was, and wrong to ask him to change. He'd tried to change. Really tried. But it didn't matter. He wasn't who he was when he came here, he wasn't who he'd seen on film.

And he sure as hell wasn't anybody's baby anymore.

Eventually, he found his way to Ianto and Tosh's hut and he knocked softly. He didn't know where else to go except for Dale's, and that was so far away and all he wanted was to sleep. Really sleep.

Comments

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Yeah." He could hear himself, monosyllabic and flat, and wondered for a second if it was worth it. Not the radio. Not the fight. If it had been worth it to even try to be something he wasn't for a little bit of happiness.

"Um, actually, yeah. Really tired all of a sudden."

[coffee_sir]

Ianto nodded. "Sleep with me?" he asked, eyebrows lifting slightly as he slid a hand lightly onto Jack's waist, gently guiding him towards the room.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He sighed softly and nodded. "That's what I'm good at," he replied, mostly to himself, as he just let Ianto move him around. Once he was at Ianto's bed, thogh, he just stood there.

He should tell him. He should say the words. Maybe then it would feel real.

"House and I..." he started, faltering when he realized he'd said House instead of Greg, "...we...it's over."

[coffee_sir]

Ianto paused in his work of straightening out the sheets again, blinked and stared at him. He wasn't sure if Jack was speaking too soon, perhaps, (but then, Jack didn't seem the type to give up) or if this was a good or a bad thing in the long run, but he knew Jack loved House.

"I'm sorry, Jack," he said. "Really."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Saying it hadn't made anything more real except the hollow ache. There had been a reason he'd survived by hiding behind a grin and a lie.

But that was all before this fucking island and nearly a year of connections with people stripping his defenses away a bit at a time.

Jack simply nodded, pulling off his shirt and kicking off his shoes before he reached for his fly and stopped. Before they came off, he pulled the ring from his finger and laid it aside. It didn't mean anything at all now.

[coffee_sir]

Ianto watched the simple act quietly, not knowing its full meaning, but supposing. He ran his hand lightly up and down Jack's arm, a reassuring gesture, but also a bit of a test, just to see how much touch he would allow right now, if he was as closed off physically as he was emotionally. Ianto slipped into bed, turning on his side and still watching Jack.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Never shy about nudity, Jack shoved his jeans off and loked down. The narrow bed allowed him the choice of on his side facing Ianto, or with his back to him. It was more difficult than it should have been.

Ultimately, he laid down with his back to Ianto. He pressed against him, but barely felt anything but the warmth of another body. Everything was wrong about this. He was as naked as he'd ever been, completely free for the first time in months, and all he could think of was if he was the man he used to be, he could face Ianto. Fuck him. Leave in the morning wearing a smile as he sauntered off.

Nothing was like it was before.

"I'm sorry, he whispered, as much to Ianto as to himself. "I really am."

[coffee_sir]

"You're alright," Ianto replied softly. He didn't know how to fix this, how to make this better. He'd never understood how. Numbers, details, making physical things go away, these he could do. But so often he was ignoring his own feelings, that Ianto didn't really know how to help others with them. And running his hand up and down Jack's arm, as he was doing, seemed so inadequate and ineffective an act.

"You're alright," he repeated gently. "Just relax, sleep."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He wasn't alright. Wasn't close to alright. But it was a nice lie and a warm, gentle hand and the dark made everything easier to believe. Jack nodded, swallowing hard to dislodge the knot choking off his air. He simply laid there silently, tears finally spilling hot from beneath his lashes and trailing down onto the pillow.

He didn't even move until he had to reach up and wipe his nose, sniffling hard. This was the sort of thing he did alone. The sort of thing he kept to himself because it was too much. But he couldn't stop once he'd started, so he laid there and cried quietly, going over every word again and again.

[coffee_sir]

He didn't have any tissues. It was an absurd thought, but it was Ianto's first when he heard Jack crying. He stopped rubbing Jack's arm and instead slipped his own arm about Jack's middle, pressing up against his back and holding him, not tightly but securely. Nothing he could say would help, Ianto knew, so silence seemed the best option.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

The tears slowed and stopped and he must have drifted off lying there in Ianto's arms. He must have, because when he woke with a start, it was morning and he knew immediately that the body against him wasn't Greg, but he was still too groggy to recognize the room.

[coffee_sir]

Jack had done just that, because Ianto had only dozed off after he was sure the tears had stopped and Jack's breathing had evened to that of someone sleeping.

The sudden movement woke him easily though, and he immediately propped himself onto one elbow, half expecting some form of emergency. His dreams had been less than peaceful recently. But, seeing nothing other than what was expected, Ianto's head went back to the pillow as his hand lightly ran over Jack's arm once. "Hey," he said, voice struggling with sleep. "Alright?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I have to go," he replied, still half asleep. "Shouldn't have slept. Sorry. Have to go." He sat up, scanning the floor for his clothes, only then realizing where he was and why. His shoulders dropped and he scrubbed his hands across his face, then back through his hair. He didn't have to go anywhere. Mostly because there was nowhere to go.

[coffee_sir]

Ianto blinked, hard, forcing the sleep from his mind and trying to figure out exactly why Jack had to go.

"What?" he muttered, then rubbed his hand over his own face. "You came here to sleep. Why wouldn't you?" Mornings were always so confusing.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I don't know. Forgot where I was," he said through his palms. "Never mind, Ianto. Go back to sleep." He just needed to get his bearings. He'd be okay if he could figure out where he was; then he'd know what to do next.

[coffee_sir]

"'Wake now," Ianto responded, shaking his head once and blinking again. He sat up, because that always helped, and moved to the edge of the bed. "And you're in Tosh and I's hut," he added.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Right. Your hut. I came here," he replied, stretching with a groan and a loud pop of his shoulder before he reached for his jeans. "After the fight."

[coffee_sir]

"Right," Ianto said, resting elbows on knees as he leaned forward slightly, watching Jack. "What do you think you'll do now?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack shrugged. "Take a shower. Go get my tux. Jane's ball is tonight." He took a deep breath and sat up straighter, looking at nothing. "Keep breathing in and out, I guess. That's something."

[coffee_sir]

"It is," Ianto agreed, and a part of him was pleased Jack could at least say those things, as opposed to last night when he couldn't even fake a smile. It probably wasn't the healthiest of reactions to this sort of thing, but it was one Ianto was familiar with, and he knew how easy it was once one came into the habit.

He bit lightly at his upper lip. "And you can come back here, after. Unless you find somewhere else you'd rather be."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Rather be? No. But I can't leave Ace there. She still needs help, even though she won't admit it and I promised I wouldn't leave her," he said quietly, pulling on his jeans. "Then...maybe I should move out. Get her settled, or see if she wants to come too. I don't know. I haven't thought that far."

[coffee_sir]

"She may not want to leave her room," Ianto said, attention now focused on some random point on the floor. "But it may be easier for her bed to go down those stairs than it is for her to get up them with those crutches. Although that will probably give a bad impression to the Doctor and Chase. But we have the extra room, just in case the treehouse becomes impossible, or until something else turns up or gets built." He was thinking out loud, planning ahead, because that was what he did.

Ianto blinked, refocusing on Jack again. "Hopefully it won't be though. You're all adults."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

That sparked a bitter laugh that kept going as he reached for his shirt. "Right. And we all act like it, too."

[coffee_sir]

Ianto shrugged lightly, inclined to agree. "Well, it's a hope," he said.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He stood up and pulled his shirt on. Outside, the birds were screeching and singing as the sun rose higher, and he couldn't stand how time just kept going. So many people would go on about their lives; new day, new chances. All he had was a great big hole where all his feelings used to be...but it was fast filling with guilt.