Linksdrops
Jun. 23rd, 2007 11:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
more_flexibleDated: June 1
Ace was sitting against the outside of the Tardis, twiddling grass randomly in her fingers. This was home, she supposed- the closest she could get to it. It was bloody fine and well that everyone had found their place here, that their homes were here, but she had the TARDIS.
Well. The outside of her, anyway.
She sighed, tipping her head back against the weathered blue wood, wondering if this was what life held, now. What life gave. She didn't have the places she'd thought she'd had, and ended up back at the Treehouse, of all places.
Jack had been looking for her, and it wasn't that complicated a process to find her. Compound, Treehouse, TARDIS, Ianto's, Beach...he was sure he'd find her one of those places. And he was right. "There you are," he said warmly, leaning against the box. "I've been looking for you."
Ace's eyes flew open, and there was almost a flash of apprehension before she tentatively smiled. "... Yeah?" She shrugged, and tugged a knee to her chest in a subconsciously defensive gesture. "I've been around. How're you?"
She nodded her head to the side. "Have a seat?"
"I'm good," he shrugged, sliding down the side to sit beside her, thigh pressed to hers. "Missed you. Had to go to the clinic...but it's nothing. Just haven't been working as hard. What about you?" he asked, picking up on the vibe right away and hesitating. The last thing he'd ever wanted was for her to be uncomfortable around him.
The fact he'd gone to the clinic had made her sit up, leaning forward as she turned to face him. "What happened? With the clinic." She was serious- worried, definitely. She'd brushed off that he'd said he'd missed her, and had focused on him being hurt.
He snorted and shook his head. "It's nothing. Working too hard and not eating enough. Ianto and Lisa and Stu and a few other people were worried, so I went and got my blood tested. I need to eat more meat and fat and not work as hard," he said, laying his hand on her knee. "I'm fine, Ace. Really."
"So will you?" She tilted her head, her brow quirking as she eyed him critically. "Eat more meat and fat, and take time off, I mean." Even if he said yes, she wouldn't believe him as far as she could throw him. You can't trust what he says to make you happy-
Shut up.
"I'm alright, mostly." She looked down at her legs, at how she'd worked herself to the point of tears so she'd be moved out that day.
"I already have been. I'm so sick of avocados...I can't even tell you," he smiled. "And I haven't been working on Stu's place except in the mornings. After that, I just hang around. See Dr. Deane. Read. Nothing remotely interesting." He paused and looked at her steadily, watching her eyes. "Alright, mostly. Tell me."
She looked away, first up, then at the grass she was twiddling in her fingers. "Overworked. Paying for it," she mumbled. She knew he'd be upset, knew- knew he'd lie, that he'd say she should have stayed-
"That's all." There was so much more then that. She was lonely, not that she'd ever admit it. She was still- It still hurt, to think about what'd happened. She didn't fit anywhere, and now she was living with even more people she had nothing whatsoever in common with.
"Overworked how?" he asked, his tone making it clear he wasn't going to tolerate anything less than a truthful explanation.
Ace looked up at him, her jaw tightening as the grass ripped to shreds. "Did too much, walked too much, went up stairs too much. That's all."
"Your legs," he said flatly. "Ace..." There was nothing to say, not if the damage was done already. "You shouldn't have done that. I...when your things were just...gone, I..." He faltered and looked down at her abusing the turf and shook his head. "I'm sorry."
She actually looked up at him, her brows knit, her voice quiet. "You what? I- I wasn't going to stay, Jack." Not after what you said. I don't stay where I'm not wanted. "You don't need to be sorry. I mean, you gave me somewhere to stay while I healed.
Even saying that hurt- Because it wasn't supposed to be that way, because that's not why he'd said he'd asked her.
His expression was a mixture of hurt and confusion as he shook his head. "Is that what you think? That I was just letting you stay while you healed? Ace...I thought...I mean, you and me, we're..." Jack shook his head and shifter, moving to face her. "You're my girl. Don't you get that? Don't you know what it means? Don't you understand how much you mean to me?"
"It's what you said." She wasn't looking at him, her head down and her arms around her waist. "That you wanted House to move in, so when I was healed, I could go back home." She sucked in air, her lip between her teeth for a moment. "That was it. That when I was healed, I could go home. But that was more my home then whatever else except the TARDIS. You were there-" She cut off, her skirt covered with little bits of greenery. "It doesn't matter." It did. It mattered more then pretty much anything else between them, but Ace didn't deal well with thing placed conviently in front of her face.
He words hit him hard enough that he physically rocked back. He was home? He wasn't anyone's home. Home was....well, it was the TARDIS. The Doctor. He'd just thought...
"Ace, I didn't know...I mean, me? You're sure? I thought the Doctor was...you know...I'm just...me? Where I'm at is home for you?" he asked, trying desperately to wrap his mind around the idea.
Her chin wobbled, and she didn't say anything, not even sure how to open her mouth without utterly humiliating herself. It was stupid- This whole this was bloody inane, and- It hurt..
"Oh, God, Ace..I didn't think. Realize. I didn't...I'm such an asshole," he said, taking hold of her arm.
She looked at him then, and shrugged. "It's alright." She was quiet, and then shook her head. "It's stupid, really. You were just the one place I always had a part of, and a place with, and- and I guess I don't, really." She shrugged again, looking away so she didn't have to see his face. She understood it, and honestly? Right this second she kind of agreed with him.
"You don't need to lie to me to take care of me," she said quietly. She wondered how far it went- why he'd asked her to move in, about her legs- Maybe even when she'd run-
No. She couldn't think it was that. That was the one thing- .... The one thing she prayed wasn't him just taking care of her.
“I'm not lying!” he insisted, reaching to take her face in his hands. “You do. You have a place...I...I didn't know. I just thought the Doctor...I mean, I know how it is for me...” he said, understanding slowly creeping into his eyes. He was her place. He was home to her. How could he have been so fucking blind? So, so stupid? “Ace. Listen to me. I love you and you have to know that no matter who, no matter what, you and me...we have something special. Something no one can ever touch. I'm not going to lie to you and I will never leave you. Time, distance, not sharing a bed, other people, things are going to come and go. But Ace...you've got more of me than you know.”
Ace swallowed, and shook her head slightly. "It's- no. It's not that. It's- It's a lot more then that, Jack," she said, her voice strained. "You lied to me. It was better for me, and you asked me to move in with you, that you wanted it- That you wanted me to be there. Not just that you were doing it for my legs."
She finally looked up at him, that blatant hurt there, as she asked him what she'd not wanted too. "... Why did it happen that way? That night in the jungle. Were you fixing me then, too?" She already knew the answer, already could guess it. "I know House is first. That's okay. And- and I know other people are first, and you just- you don't need to say... that." She was hurting, she didn't know what to do. Didn't know what to say.
Cold washed over him and his stomach rolled over, all the color draining from his face. “Fixing...no...Ace...” he stammered, his hands shaking against her skin. He knew he'd hurt her...he got that...but he hadn't gotten why. He'd never meant...he hadn't thought...and he couldn't keep from coming apart. “I...” he started, his voice cracking as his eyes brimmed. “I don't want you to leave me. House and I won't last. I want it to, but we all know...but you. With me. Us. Ace...”
God, could he ever do something without fucking up everything?
She started to cry, and pulled back from his hands. "I'm not- I won't. I told you." She'd told him she wouldn't ever leave him, but- but it hurt. It hurt so much. "Why, then? I mean- There's no reason, Jack. I mean, it's like you say it, and- and I don't understand, and-" She shook her head, and wiped her eyes with shaking hands. "I'm not with you. I'm- I'm alone, Jack. Everyone has someone, and I'm alone-"
She shook her head, and tilted her head backwards. "I- I have my room. I have my room, and that's it. Everyone- There's something wrong with me." There had to be, by this point.
"There's something wrong with me, too, Ace," he said softly. "I don't want to hurt you. I can't...I don't want...fuck," he huffed, looking off to the stars. "I can't fix this, Ace. I didn't lie. I never meant to hurt you. I've never used you or lied. I just...I didn't think. I didn't realize. Are you...what do you want, Ace? You know me as well as anyone...what do you want from me? What can I do?"
"I can't have what I want from you." She looked up at him, and shook her head. "You don't want- And I can't have it, and- And it's my problem, and I have to fix it." She pressed her lips together.
"I'm sorry. I- It's not what you want, and I never thought that you'd use me. I just- I... I was thinking that- That you did it to fix me, and- I know that's why Ianto did it, and-" It was the hardest thing ever to say.
"When I tell you I love you, I mean it. I mean it, and- and it's so much more then just because you're my best friend-" She shifted to look at him, her eyes dark with misery. "I'm sorry, Jack."
"...Me too," he said softly, just before leaning in to kiss her forehead, then tipping his chin down to ghost his lips across hers. "I'll be anything and everything I can, Ace. But I think you know that it'd be a better dream than reality."
God, that broke his heart to say aloud. He believed, in every part of himself, that she deserved something so special. Something he couldn't give her for more than...well, not long enough to make anything good, but long enough to destroy her. He'd known that for months now.
She pressed her lips together for just a moment, catching the tears from her cheeks with the tips of her fingers as she tried to not think about that. But I think you know that it'd be a better dream then reality.
She wasn't enough. She wasn't, and he wasn't, and the look on her face finally showed everything - she wasn't inscrutable, she just- it was almost resigned, her eyes dark with an almost sorrow. "It's okay." Her voice cracked on just the two words, and it was so clear that it wasn't, but... but that was it. There was nothing else to say, nothing more definitive then that.
It'd be a better dream
"S-Sorry." She didn't know what else to do, wanted to leave and just- just find some place to be alone, because she'd bared everything, and- And this was what she got. She got the pain and hurt and the continued reinforcement that it wasn't what he wanted.
"C-Can I ask why- Why before? Why there was a before, then?" She was trying to close herself off, to build walls and barriers that would make her stop wishing that the sharp pain in her chest would just stop, that she could do something.
"Because I love you. I love you now, I loved you then...I'll love you forever. I wish I could be good for you, Ace. I wish...I wish that I..." Wasn't so destructive. So broken. So brutal and callous and self-centered. "I wish I was really the man you see."
Ace shook her head. She didn't believe him, honestly. That it was the reason why he'd done that, that he wasn't good enough. "Do you understand- I- I'm alone." It was a few whispered words, a few words that meant so much. "That's all I have." She shook her head.
"... Maybe- Maybe I should go." Her words were quiet, her eyes so very clear with pain. "I- Maybe it's better? Because- because I want, and- and there's no way, and-" She was stammering, she was so flustered. "I- I love you so much, Jack, and- and I don't know what to do."
"Why me?" he asked, shaking his head. He didn't understand..but it was starting to make sense. Everything he felt for the Doctor...she felt that for him. There wasn't sense behind his feelings, not really. The Doctor had shown him there was something better. Something more. He'd given Jack hope and a purpose and a reason to live...and die. He never wanted to fill that role for anyone. He didn't want to be that man for Gwen or Ianto or Owen or Tosh...and certainly not for Ace. He'd never done anything differently around her, other than take her into his arms and his heart and a bed. He'd been selfish and needy and he'd held back and held back, every time until he simply couldn't. He'd been selfish and in that, cruel--when he never meant to be.
"You're not alone, Ace. You're not. Maybe you think I'm lying, and maybe you can't see it, but you're not," he insisted, as much for her benefit as his own. He wasn't prepared to be someone's only. Someone's reason. He wasn't the Doctor and he didn't want to be. He didn't want to leave a string of broken hearts and ruined lives through time and space. And he didn't want to do it here, trapped on this island. "I don't know what to do, either. I love you more than I have any right to, and you have me. It's never going to be what you want or need. I'm not that man," he heard himself say without thinking. Purely honest...it made him wish he was dead.
It almost felt like a band was tightening around her chest. "I know. I know, and- and it's okay. I didn't expect- I swear, I didn't." She swallowed hard even as she tried to stop crying, tried to stop the tears that made her eyes burn. "Because you care about me. Because I love you, and you can trust me, and- and I can normally trust you."
Even though now she hurt so much. "I'm.... I"m replaceable, Jack. I'm not anyone's one and only, and- and I don't think I will be. I- I'd hoped that even for a little while, but-" But obviously, he didn't even want that. She didn't know if he realised that he was the only one who protected her, who loved her and didn't ask for more. For... things. "I know it'll never- that we'll never. I know. I-" She fully blamed herself, because he could be that man for so many others.
"I should go." She tried to find leverage, trying to get to her feet. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry about all of this."
He stood without trouble and offered her his hand. If she really wanted to go, he wasn't going to stop her...as much as he wanted to. The tighter he tried to hold on to her, the faster she slipped away and he couldn't do or say a thing to keep her. "You're not replacable to me, Ace. I've never..." It didn't matter. He'd made her cry and her words--can normally trust you--made it clear that the thing that had been implicit and pure and simple was gone. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't take back a single second, good or bad, between us, Ace. I hate that it hurts. I hate it and I'm sorry...and you can go anywhere you want...I'll still be here. I'll always find you. You. You're my girl, like it or not. The one and only."
Ace looked up at him, taking his hand as he pulled her to her feet. She swayed, and she looked up at him. "Why- Why is it that I still want to ask you- that maybe... maybe when you're between people, when things don't last if for maybe a few days-" She shook her head, looking down as her fingers spasmed once, wanting to hold on to something. She finally settled on light fingers on his shoulder, just fingertips as she used the leverage to lean up, to tug him down so she could kiss him.
It was a real kiss, a true kiss. She sucked on his lower lip for just a moment before pulling back, her eyes dark and sincere as she looked into his. "I'm trying not to make you hate me, to think I'm a bloody idiot. I'm not some... some simpering idiot who thinks you have no flaws, and- and I think it's alright. I just-" She closed her eyes for a moment. "I- Can I ask you something? I won't think that it means it can work, I promise."
She was being surprisingly mature about the whole thing, because she'd learned long ago that this was the way it'd be. It was one night, they'd said, and it had been. She didn't want to go, but didn't know what to do- so now... now she was doing what she never did, and was being honest. Being honest and forthright and her own feelings be damned.
The kiss didn't startle him, and he returned the sentiment gently and completely. "Ask me anything, Ace," he said quietly, brushing her hair back from her face.
She looked up at him, her head tipped back almost all the way as she bit the inside of her lip. She wasn't shying away from him, and her lips parted for a moment before she swallowed and found words. "Do you want me like that? See me that way? It's alright if you don't. Ianto- Ianto doesn't. I don't mean just sex, it's- it's things like just spending time together and-" She paused, using the moment to gather her thoughts. "It's alright if you don't, Jack. I just- If you tell me, then I'll stop trying." She ran her thumb over his cheek, and then let her hand slip away, shrugging.
"Although I don't really think I could ever bloody stop caring about you, you know that?"
Jack took a deep breath to steady himself and closed his eyes. "I do. I could...it just...I'm with Greg. It's not like that cuts anyone else out, but Ace...time and friendship is all I can give you. Not like anything else I've felt disappeared, I'm just trying to do the right thing. I don't even know what that is..." he said quietly, turning away and fisting his hair with both hands, yelling to the sky in frustration. "Why is this so fucking hard?!"
"No, I-" She took half a step back, and she shook her head. "I'm not- I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything." She lifted her chin. "I won't bring it up again. Ever again. I just- things can be normal. Alright, Jack?" She wasn't trying to replace House, didn't even think about the position she'd been putting him in. How could she even say she was his friend-
She swallowed hard, and forced a small smile, a light hand on his back. "It's alright. We're okay. Alright? I'm sorry-" She shook her head. "I just- I shouldn't have even said anything." She shrugged, his back still to her. "I- Sorry, Jack."
She didn't know what else to say, what she'd do if he kept his back to her.
He whirled on her, caught her face in his hand and leaned in, kissing her hard. It was desperate and sad and hungry and passionate and he poured everything he held back from her all the time. A voice in his head was screaming for him not to do it. To let it go. To let it rest. But he couldn't...it wasn't all right. He loved her in a way unlike anyone else. More than Rose--if he ever bothered to sit down and actually consider such a thing.
"Don't be sorry," he rasped against her lips. "Stop being so fucking sorry. It's not you. It's me. I love you and I shouldn't. Not like this. Not so..." Shouldn't or not, he bared himself the only way he really knew how. One kiss. One long, drawn out, perfectly open and honest kiss.
She made a noise in her throat when he kissed her, and she took it for what she thought it was- that it was the last one, that it was all, and her fingers knotted in his shirt as she felt something in her break, letting herself give into the desperation until he pulled back, until words started spilling out of his mouth.
"How is it not me?" It was a whisper, her voice strained as she tried to understand. "It's not me, and- and you say you shouldn't, but you said that before Greg, and-" She closed her eyes, and leaned up as he kissed her once, her nails tightening on his shoulder, the dampness of her tears on his cheeks, on his fingers, in her hair as she tried to understand and couldn't.
She was sorry. God, was she sorry. That she'd made him hurt, that she wasn't enough, that she'd not thought about Greg- all she did was make things worse, but she'd live through it for him. All of it for him, even if he was an utter ass-
She pulled back only when she needed to breathe, her mouth an inch from his, her eyes still closed. "I won't ever ask you to choose." It was a whisper, and she shifted to hug him as tightly as she could, her face against his neck.
"I don't know. I don't. If I did, I could fix it. I could make everything all right for everyone...But I can't, Ace. I've made my choice. Even if you asked...I made my choice. I love Greg, and I love you, but I know, now that we're trying t make it work, I know that if I lose him, it's not going to kill me." He held her tight...tighter. Clinging to her. "One of the things that scares me most is I'll screw up so much that I lose you. You say you won't, Ace, but it terrifies me that you could. You might. It's all in my head, yeah, and that's why it's not you. It's me. I'm..." he paused, holding her even tighter for just a moment. "I'm a coward."
Her expression faltered, and her brows knit as she tried to even understand that, and then- "Jack, you're saying- you're saying you chose him because-" She didn't understand. It didn't make sense. "Because you love me too much? I-" He was lying. He had to be lying. "You don't have to say that.
" Her voice cracked. "You don't. I- You could have just let it be, and-" She shoved at his shoulder, wondering what in the hell she did that hacked off God so much that he thought that doing shit like this was funny. "I don't want you to make it alright for me. I don't want you to fix it, I don't- I-"
When she said it like that, it did sound like such bullshit. Like something he'd told Lady Yrsyllimaans a long time ago. He'd been lying then, but he wasn't lying now...funny how it had the exact same effect. "I can't fix it, Ace!" he barked, rocking back a little, then righting himself. "The only thing you want from me, I can't give you and we both know it. So I don't know what to do," he said tersely, folding his arms across his chest. He braced himself for another hit, fully expecting it, but when it didn't come, he dropped his chin and shook his head. "...Everytime we talk, I make you cry."
"I know now, alright? I know. And it's not that you can't, it's that you won't, and that's fine." Oh, she was hacked, now. Because it was such a spin of bullshit- "I cry because I bloody well love you, and there's nothing I can do. I'm trying to make more friends and find a life like the Doctor told me too, but I'm not like you. I'm not like him, I can't just- I don't become friends with everyone I meet, and-" She cut herself off before she said something really hurtful. "You're with Greg, and if he hurts you again I will take his sodding cane and break it in fucking half, but I'm not stopping you. I left when you wanted me to leave. You chose him, and that's fine, just don't make it seem like-"
It hurt, all of this. Why couldn't it be simple? Why couldn't he just not like her, so she could get over it? Now, that he said he loved her more, that she was more and still he didn't want her. "Do you have any idea how much what you said hurts? Do you? That you'll be with someone because being with them is safe? I'm sorry I'm willing to take it as it comes, and now I'm living with the Doctor and bloody sodding Gwen, for God's sake." She was jumping from subject to subject, not even knowing what she was thinking anymore.
"Is there something wrong with wanting the safe choice?" he snapped. Fuck, this was frustrating. There was no right answer. There was no winning. "I just want to be happy, Ace. Is there something wrong with that? I've seen my future I know what happens. Everyone lies, leaves, betrays, or fucking kills me. You can't stand Greg? He can't stand you, either. But I'm not going to be some fucking go between. I love you both. That's it. I'm not going to keep going around in fucking circles. I'm sick of feeling useless because I can't be what you'd like me to be."
"I want you to be happy. The end. That's the fucking end of it, alright? Be bloody happy with yourself, because that's what matters, isn't it? I'm not lying. I'm not leaving, I just am trying to figure out what to do with my sodding life. You know what happens in my future? I'm dead, Jack. I'm dead, and I'm alone, and that's it. That's all of it. So bloody forgive me for trying things, for actually letting myself try-" She was shutting herself off as fast as a bunch of doors swinging shut. "I'll make it easy for you."
It didn't matter that he'd said he loved her, that he loved her more, that he wanted- that he was a coward. It didn't matter. She knew it, but it was probably a lie. It was just like he'd said he wasn't, like Ianto, and now it wasn't even just that she'd made an idiot out of herself, it was that he was mad at her, that he was angry and saying it was her fault-
"That's it, then." Her voice was flat, and she just stared up into his angry face, her arms crossed under her breast. That was the end. He could be with House, hell, he could be with the entire island. It didn't matter to her, anymore. She'd make it not matter.
He watched as months and months of connecting, of friendship, of her opening up...he watched it just collapse. Before he could say anything, he could see it in her eyes that he'd lost her. She was lying now...she'd already left. She was gone, and just like watching the TARDIS disappear while he stood there, he was completely helpless to stop it.
"If that's what you want," he said, his own eyes gone empty and dead. "Then I guess that's it."
She stared up at him, her voice so quiet that he could barely hear it. "What else can I do, Jack? You don't want me." Those four words- he could see that hurt there, and she licked her lips. "I- I can act like it doesn't matter. That it doesn't hurt, that- that it's okay. I thought- I think, maybe, that it'd be best? I never bring this up again. We don't- We don't talk about it. Because-" Because it tore her heart out when he looked at her and said no, when he looked at her and said he chose not to be with her because he loved her too much. "I love you, and you don't want me, and I can't just turn it off. What should I do?"
"I don't know," he said, completely defeated. "I don't know what to do." He took a few steps, walking away, then turned back to her, opening his mouth to say something, anything, but everything he said, everything he did...it just made it worse. There wasn't any fix, and she didn't want him to anyhow. "I...I'll...Maybe you're right. If we don't talk about it..."
Right. Because that worked so well regarding other things.
"I won't," she promised, even though she knew that it wasn't right, to lock that away. "I won't mention it. I- I promise." She knew he wouldn't have that problem, but- but it hurt so much. "Alright? I- I just won't, and- And it'll be like I'd not said anything at all." She swallowed hard, her voice wavering still. "You're where my home is. You're my best friend, and-" I won't mention it. "Alright?" She was talking to his turned back, and for once was thankful for it. He couldn't see her face, couldn't see how this hurt her just as much as if he'd actually gone ahead and hit her, had stabbed her.
"I'll make it easy for you, Jack. I- I'll do anything I can. I just want you to be happy." Forget me. Forget this. Even though it was the thing she wanted the least, it didn't matter. "Walk me home?" At least, then, this conversation would have an end without either one of them leaving the other.
He closed the distance between them and held her lightly in his arms, pressing his lips to her hair. "You're already here with me...so where do you really want me to walk you?" he asked, drawing her along with him as he moved back slowly down the path without letting her go.
She had no idea if he even had a clue how difficult he made this. "Anywhere." The word was quiet, her head bent, trying to find some way- some thing to do. "Anywhere, Jack." She tugged him to a stop and hugged him again, before summoning up a smile from somewhere. "You pick."
It was just like it'd been before.
And somehow, that was more painful then anything she'd done thus far.
Ace was sitting against the outside of the Tardis, twiddling grass randomly in her fingers. This was home, she supposed- the closest she could get to it. It was bloody fine and well that everyone had found their place here, that their homes were here, but she had the TARDIS.
Well. The outside of her, anyway.
She sighed, tipping her head back against the weathered blue wood, wondering if this was what life held, now. What life gave. She didn't have the places she'd thought she'd had, and ended up back at the Treehouse, of all places.
Jack had been looking for her, and it wasn't that complicated a process to find her. Compound, Treehouse, TARDIS, Ianto's, Beach...he was sure he'd find her one of those places. And he was right. "There you are," he said warmly, leaning against the box. "I've been looking for you."
Ace's eyes flew open, and there was almost a flash of apprehension before she tentatively smiled. "... Yeah?" She shrugged, and tugged a knee to her chest in a subconsciously defensive gesture. "I've been around. How're you?"
She nodded her head to the side. "Have a seat?"
"I'm good," he shrugged, sliding down the side to sit beside her, thigh pressed to hers. "Missed you. Had to go to the clinic...but it's nothing. Just haven't been working as hard. What about you?" he asked, picking up on the vibe right away and hesitating. The last thing he'd ever wanted was for her to be uncomfortable around him.
The fact he'd gone to the clinic had made her sit up, leaning forward as she turned to face him. "What happened? With the clinic." She was serious- worried, definitely. She'd brushed off that he'd said he'd missed her, and had focused on him being hurt.
He snorted and shook his head. "It's nothing. Working too hard and not eating enough. Ianto and Lisa and Stu and a few other people were worried, so I went and got my blood tested. I need to eat more meat and fat and not work as hard," he said, laying his hand on her knee. "I'm fine, Ace. Really."
"So will you?" She tilted her head, her brow quirking as she eyed him critically. "Eat more meat and fat, and take time off, I mean." Even if he said yes, she wouldn't believe him as far as she could throw him. You can't trust what he says to make you happy-
Shut up.
"I'm alright, mostly." She looked down at her legs, at how she'd worked herself to the point of tears so she'd be moved out that day.
"I already have been. I'm so sick of avocados...I can't even tell you," he smiled. "And I haven't been working on Stu's place except in the mornings. After that, I just hang around. See Dr. Deane. Read. Nothing remotely interesting." He paused and looked at her steadily, watching her eyes. "Alright, mostly. Tell me."
She looked away, first up, then at the grass she was twiddling in her fingers. "Overworked. Paying for it," she mumbled. She knew he'd be upset, knew- knew he'd lie, that he'd say she should have stayed-
"That's all." There was so much more then that. She was lonely, not that she'd ever admit it. She was still- It still hurt, to think about what'd happened. She didn't fit anywhere, and now she was living with even more people she had nothing whatsoever in common with.
"Overworked how?" he asked, his tone making it clear he wasn't going to tolerate anything less than a truthful explanation.
Ace looked up at him, her jaw tightening as the grass ripped to shreds. "Did too much, walked too much, went up stairs too much. That's all."
"Your legs," he said flatly. "Ace..." There was nothing to say, not if the damage was done already. "You shouldn't have done that. I...when your things were just...gone, I..." He faltered and looked down at her abusing the turf and shook his head. "I'm sorry."
She actually looked up at him, her brows knit, her voice quiet. "You what? I- I wasn't going to stay, Jack." Not after what you said. I don't stay where I'm not wanted. "You don't need to be sorry. I mean, you gave me somewhere to stay while I healed.
Even saying that hurt- Because it wasn't supposed to be that way, because that's not why he'd said he'd asked her.
His expression was a mixture of hurt and confusion as he shook his head. "Is that what you think? That I was just letting you stay while you healed? Ace...I thought...I mean, you and me, we're..." Jack shook his head and shifter, moving to face her. "You're my girl. Don't you get that? Don't you know what it means? Don't you understand how much you mean to me?"
"It's what you said." She wasn't looking at him, her head down and her arms around her waist. "That you wanted House to move in, so when I was healed, I could go back home." She sucked in air, her lip between her teeth for a moment. "That was it. That when I was healed, I could go home. But that was more my home then whatever else except the TARDIS. You were there-" She cut off, her skirt covered with little bits of greenery. "It doesn't matter." It did. It mattered more then pretty much anything else between them, but Ace didn't deal well with thing placed conviently in front of her face.
He words hit him hard enough that he physically rocked back. He was home? He wasn't anyone's home. Home was....well, it was the TARDIS. The Doctor. He'd just thought...
"Ace, I didn't know...I mean, me? You're sure? I thought the Doctor was...you know...I'm just...me? Where I'm at is home for you?" he asked, trying desperately to wrap his mind around the idea.
Her chin wobbled, and she didn't say anything, not even sure how to open her mouth without utterly humiliating herself. It was stupid- This whole this was bloody inane, and- It hurt..
"Oh, God, Ace..I didn't think. Realize. I didn't...I'm such an asshole," he said, taking hold of her arm.
She looked at him then, and shrugged. "It's alright." She was quiet, and then shook her head. "It's stupid, really. You were just the one place I always had a part of, and a place with, and- and I guess I don't, really." She shrugged again, looking away so she didn't have to see his face. She understood it, and honestly? Right this second she kind of agreed with him.
"You don't need to lie to me to take care of me," she said quietly. She wondered how far it went- why he'd asked her to move in, about her legs- Maybe even when she'd run-
No. She couldn't think it was that. That was the one thing- .... The one thing she prayed wasn't him just taking care of her.
“I'm not lying!” he insisted, reaching to take her face in his hands. “You do. You have a place...I...I didn't know. I just thought the Doctor...I mean, I know how it is for me...” he said, understanding slowly creeping into his eyes. He was her place. He was home to her. How could he have been so fucking blind? So, so stupid? “Ace. Listen to me. I love you and you have to know that no matter who, no matter what, you and me...we have something special. Something no one can ever touch. I'm not going to lie to you and I will never leave you. Time, distance, not sharing a bed, other people, things are going to come and go. But Ace...you've got more of me than you know.”
Ace swallowed, and shook her head slightly. "It's- no. It's not that. It's- It's a lot more then that, Jack," she said, her voice strained. "You lied to me. It was better for me, and you asked me to move in with you, that you wanted it- That you wanted me to be there. Not just that you were doing it for my legs."
She finally looked up at him, that blatant hurt there, as she asked him what she'd not wanted too. "... Why did it happen that way? That night in the jungle. Were you fixing me then, too?" She already knew the answer, already could guess it. "I know House is first. That's okay. And- and I know other people are first, and you just- you don't need to say... that." She was hurting, she didn't know what to do. Didn't know what to say.
Cold washed over him and his stomach rolled over, all the color draining from his face. “Fixing...no...Ace...” he stammered, his hands shaking against her skin. He knew he'd hurt her...he got that...but he hadn't gotten why. He'd never meant...he hadn't thought...and he couldn't keep from coming apart. “I...” he started, his voice cracking as his eyes brimmed. “I don't want you to leave me. House and I won't last. I want it to, but we all know...but you. With me. Us. Ace...”
God, could he ever do something without fucking up everything?
She started to cry, and pulled back from his hands. "I'm not- I won't. I told you." She'd told him she wouldn't ever leave him, but- but it hurt. It hurt so much. "Why, then? I mean- There's no reason, Jack. I mean, it's like you say it, and- and I don't understand, and-" She shook her head, and wiped her eyes with shaking hands. "I'm not with you. I'm- I'm alone, Jack. Everyone has someone, and I'm alone-"
She shook her head, and tilted her head backwards. "I- I have my room. I have my room, and that's it. Everyone- There's something wrong with me." There had to be, by this point.
"There's something wrong with me, too, Ace," he said softly. "I don't want to hurt you. I can't...I don't want...fuck," he huffed, looking off to the stars. "I can't fix this, Ace. I didn't lie. I never meant to hurt you. I've never used you or lied. I just...I didn't think. I didn't realize. Are you...what do you want, Ace? You know me as well as anyone...what do you want from me? What can I do?"
"I can't have what I want from you." She looked up at him, and shook her head. "You don't want- And I can't have it, and- And it's my problem, and I have to fix it." She pressed her lips together.
"I'm sorry. I- It's not what you want, and I never thought that you'd use me. I just- I... I was thinking that- That you did it to fix me, and- I know that's why Ianto did it, and-" It was the hardest thing ever to say.
"When I tell you I love you, I mean it. I mean it, and- and it's so much more then just because you're my best friend-" She shifted to look at him, her eyes dark with misery. "I'm sorry, Jack."
"...Me too," he said softly, just before leaning in to kiss her forehead, then tipping his chin down to ghost his lips across hers. "I'll be anything and everything I can, Ace. But I think you know that it'd be a better dream than reality."
God, that broke his heart to say aloud. He believed, in every part of himself, that she deserved something so special. Something he couldn't give her for more than...well, not long enough to make anything good, but long enough to destroy her. He'd known that for months now.
She pressed her lips together for just a moment, catching the tears from her cheeks with the tips of her fingers as she tried to not think about that. But I think you know that it'd be a better dream then reality.
She wasn't enough. She wasn't, and he wasn't, and the look on her face finally showed everything - she wasn't inscrutable, she just- it was almost resigned, her eyes dark with an almost sorrow. "It's okay." Her voice cracked on just the two words, and it was so clear that it wasn't, but... but that was it. There was nothing else to say, nothing more definitive then that.
It'd be a better dream
"S-Sorry." She didn't know what else to do, wanted to leave and just- just find some place to be alone, because she'd bared everything, and- And this was what she got. She got the pain and hurt and the continued reinforcement that it wasn't what he wanted.
"C-Can I ask why- Why before? Why there was a before, then?" She was trying to close herself off, to build walls and barriers that would make her stop wishing that the sharp pain in her chest would just stop, that she could do something.
"Because I love you. I love you now, I loved you then...I'll love you forever. I wish I could be good for you, Ace. I wish...I wish that I..." Wasn't so destructive. So broken. So brutal and callous and self-centered. "I wish I was really the man you see."
Ace shook her head. She didn't believe him, honestly. That it was the reason why he'd done that, that he wasn't good enough. "Do you understand- I- I'm alone." It was a few whispered words, a few words that meant so much. "That's all I have." She shook her head.
"... Maybe- Maybe I should go." Her words were quiet, her eyes so very clear with pain. "I- Maybe it's better? Because- because I want, and- and there's no way, and-" She was stammering, she was so flustered. "I- I love you so much, Jack, and- and I don't know what to do."
"Why me?" he asked, shaking his head. He didn't understand..but it was starting to make sense. Everything he felt for the Doctor...she felt that for him. There wasn't sense behind his feelings, not really. The Doctor had shown him there was something better. Something more. He'd given Jack hope and a purpose and a reason to live...and die. He never wanted to fill that role for anyone. He didn't want to be that man for Gwen or Ianto or Owen or Tosh...and certainly not for Ace. He'd never done anything differently around her, other than take her into his arms and his heart and a bed. He'd been selfish and needy and he'd held back and held back, every time until he simply couldn't. He'd been selfish and in that, cruel--when he never meant to be.
"You're not alone, Ace. You're not. Maybe you think I'm lying, and maybe you can't see it, but you're not," he insisted, as much for her benefit as his own. He wasn't prepared to be someone's only. Someone's reason. He wasn't the Doctor and he didn't want to be. He didn't want to leave a string of broken hearts and ruined lives through time and space. And he didn't want to do it here, trapped on this island. "I don't know what to do, either. I love you more than I have any right to, and you have me. It's never going to be what you want or need. I'm not that man," he heard himself say without thinking. Purely honest...it made him wish he was dead.
It almost felt like a band was tightening around her chest. "I know. I know, and- and it's okay. I didn't expect- I swear, I didn't." She swallowed hard even as she tried to stop crying, tried to stop the tears that made her eyes burn. "Because you care about me. Because I love you, and you can trust me, and- and I can normally trust you."
Even though now she hurt so much. "I'm.... I"m replaceable, Jack. I'm not anyone's one and only, and- and I don't think I will be. I- I'd hoped that even for a little while, but-" But obviously, he didn't even want that. She didn't know if he realised that he was the only one who protected her, who loved her and didn't ask for more. For... things. "I know it'll never- that we'll never. I know. I-" She fully blamed herself, because he could be that man for so many others.
"I should go." She tried to find leverage, trying to get to her feet. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry about all of this."
He stood without trouble and offered her his hand. If she really wanted to go, he wasn't going to stop her...as much as he wanted to. The tighter he tried to hold on to her, the faster she slipped away and he couldn't do or say a thing to keep her. "You're not replacable to me, Ace. I've never..." It didn't matter. He'd made her cry and her words--can normally trust you--made it clear that the thing that had been implicit and pure and simple was gone. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't take back a single second, good or bad, between us, Ace. I hate that it hurts. I hate it and I'm sorry...and you can go anywhere you want...I'll still be here. I'll always find you. You. You're my girl, like it or not. The one and only."
Ace looked up at him, taking his hand as he pulled her to her feet. She swayed, and she looked up at him. "Why- Why is it that I still want to ask you- that maybe... maybe when you're between people, when things don't last if for maybe a few days-" She shook her head, looking down as her fingers spasmed once, wanting to hold on to something. She finally settled on light fingers on his shoulder, just fingertips as she used the leverage to lean up, to tug him down so she could kiss him.
It was a real kiss, a true kiss. She sucked on his lower lip for just a moment before pulling back, her eyes dark and sincere as she looked into his. "I'm trying not to make you hate me, to think I'm a bloody idiot. I'm not some... some simpering idiot who thinks you have no flaws, and- and I think it's alright. I just-" She closed her eyes for a moment. "I- Can I ask you something? I won't think that it means it can work, I promise."
She was being surprisingly mature about the whole thing, because she'd learned long ago that this was the way it'd be. It was one night, they'd said, and it had been. She didn't want to go, but didn't know what to do- so now... now she was doing what she never did, and was being honest. Being honest and forthright and her own feelings be damned.
The kiss didn't startle him, and he returned the sentiment gently and completely. "Ask me anything, Ace," he said quietly, brushing her hair back from her face.
She looked up at him, her head tipped back almost all the way as she bit the inside of her lip. She wasn't shying away from him, and her lips parted for a moment before she swallowed and found words. "Do you want me like that? See me that way? It's alright if you don't. Ianto- Ianto doesn't. I don't mean just sex, it's- it's things like just spending time together and-" She paused, using the moment to gather her thoughts. "It's alright if you don't, Jack. I just- If you tell me, then I'll stop trying." She ran her thumb over his cheek, and then let her hand slip away, shrugging.
"Although I don't really think I could ever bloody stop caring about you, you know that?"
Jack took a deep breath to steady himself and closed his eyes. "I do. I could...it just...I'm with Greg. It's not like that cuts anyone else out, but Ace...time and friendship is all I can give you. Not like anything else I've felt disappeared, I'm just trying to do the right thing. I don't even know what that is..." he said quietly, turning away and fisting his hair with both hands, yelling to the sky in frustration. "Why is this so fucking hard?!"
"No, I-" She took half a step back, and she shook her head. "I'm not- I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything." She lifted her chin. "I won't bring it up again. Ever again. I just- things can be normal. Alright, Jack?" She wasn't trying to replace House, didn't even think about the position she'd been putting him in. How could she even say she was his friend-
She swallowed hard, and forced a small smile, a light hand on his back. "It's alright. We're okay. Alright? I'm sorry-" She shook her head. "I just- I shouldn't have even said anything." She shrugged, his back still to her. "I- Sorry, Jack."
She didn't know what else to say, what she'd do if he kept his back to her.
He whirled on her, caught her face in his hand and leaned in, kissing her hard. It was desperate and sad and hungry and passionate and he poured everything he held back from her all the time. A voice in his head was screaming for him not to do it. To let it go. To let it rest. But he couldn't...it wasn't all right. He loved her in a way unlike anyone else. More than Rose--if he ever bothered to sit down and actually consider such a thing.
"Don't be sorry," he rasped against her lips. "Stop being so fucking sorry. It's not you. It's me. I love you and I shouldn't. Not like this. Not so..." Shouldn't or not, he bared himself the only way he really knew how. One kiss. One long, drawn out, perfectly open and honest kiss.
She made a noise in her throat when he kissed her, and she took it for what she thought it was- that it was the last one, that it was all, and her fingers knotted in his shirt as she felt something in her break, letting herself give into the desperation until he pulled back, until words started spilling out of his mouth.
"How is it not me?" It was a whisper, her voice strained as she tried to understand. "It's not me, and- and you say you shouldn't, but you said that before Greg, and-" She closed her eyes, and leaned up as he kissed her once, her nails tightening on his shoulder, the dampness of her tears on his cheeks, on his fingers, in her hair as she tried to understand and couldn't.
She was sorry. God, was she sorry. That she'd made him hurt, that she wasn't enough, that she'd not thought about Greg- all she did was make things worse, but she'd live through it for him. All of it for him, even if he was an utter ass-
She pulled back only when she needed to breathe, her mouth an inch from his, her eyes still closed. "I won't ever ask you to choose." It was a whisper, and she shifted to hug him as tightly as she could, her face against his neck.
"I don't know. I don't. If I did, I could fix it. I could make everything all right for everyone...But I can't, Ace. I've made my choice. Even if you asked...I made my choice. I love Greg, and I love you, but I know, now that we're trying t make it work, I know that if I lose him, it's not going to kill me." He held her tight...tighter. Clinging to her. "One of the things that scares me most is I'll screw up so much that I lose you. You say you won't, Ace, but it terrifies me that you could. You might. It's all in my head, yeah, and that's why it's not you. It's me. I'm..." he paused, holding her even tighter for just a moment. "I'm a coward."
Her expression faltered, and her brows knit as she tried to even understand that, and then- "Jack, you're saying- you're saying you chose him because-" She didn't understand. It didn't make sense. "Because you love me too much? I-" He was lying. He had to be lying. "You don't have to say that.
" Her voice cracked. "You don't. I- You could have just let it be, and-" She shoved at his shoulder, wondering what in the hell she did that hacked off God so much that he thought that doing shit like this was funny. "I don't want you to make it alright for me. I don't want you to fix it, I don't- I-"
When she said it like that, it did sound like such bullshit. Like something he'd told Lady Yrsyllimaans a long time ago. He'd been lying then, but he wasn't lying now...funny how it had the exact same effect. "I can't fix it, Ace!" he barked, rocking back a little, then righting himself. "The only thing you want from me, I can't give you and we both know it. So I don't know what to do," he said tersely, folding his arms across his chest. He braced himself for another hit, fully expecting it, but when it didn't come, he dropped his chin and shook his head. "...Everytime we talk, I make you cry."
"I know now, alright? I know. And it's not that you can't, it's that you won't, and that's fine." Oh, she was hacked, now. Because it was such a spin of bullshit- "I cry because I bloody well love you, and there's nothing I can do. I'm trying to make more friends and find a life like the Doctor told me too, but I'm not like you. I'm not like him, I can't just- I don't become friends with everyone I meet, and-" She cut herself off before she said something really hurtful. "You're with Greg, and if he hurts you again I will take his sodding cane and break it in fucking half, but I'm not stopping you. I left when you wanted me to leave. You chose him, and that's fine, just don't make it seem like-"
It hurt, all of this. Why couldn't it be simple? Why couldn't he just not like her, so she could get over it? Now, that he said he loved her more, that she was more and still he didn't want her. "Do you have any idea how much what you said hurts? Do you? That you'll be with someone because being with them is safe? I'm sorry I'm willing to take it as it comes, and now I'm living with the Doctor and bloody sodding Gwen, for God's sake." She was jumping from subject to subject, not even knowing what she was thinking anymore.
"Is there something wrong with wanting the safe choice?" he snapped. Fuck, this was frustrating. There was no right answer. There was no winning. "I just want to be happy, Ace. Is there something wrong with that? I've seen my future I know what happens. Everyone lies, leaves, betrays, or fucking kills me. You can't stand Greg? He can't stand you, either. But I'm not going to be some fucking go between. I love you both. That's it. I'm not going to keep going around in fucking circles. I'm sick of feeling useless because I can't be what you'd like me to be."
"I want you to be happy. The end. That's the fucking end of it, alright? Be bloody happy with yourself, because that's what matters, isn't it? I'm not lying. I'm not leaving, I just am trying to figure out what to do with my sodding life. You know what happens in my future? I'm dead, Jack. I'm dead, and I'm alone, and that's it. That's all of it. So bloody forgive me for trying things, for actually letting myself try-" She was shutting herself off as fast as a bunch of doors swinging shut. "I'll make it easy for you."
It didn't matter that he'd said he loved her, that he loved her more, that he wanted- that he was a coward. It didn't matter. She knew it, but it was probably a lie. It was just like he'd said he wasn't, like Ianto, and now it wasn't even just that she'd made an idiot out of herself, it was that he was mad at her, that he was angry and saying it was her fault-
"That's it, then." Her voice was flat, and she just stared up into his angry face, her arms crossed under her breast. That was the end. He could be with House, hell, he could be with the entire island. It didn't matter to her, anymore. She'd make it not matter.
He watched as months and months of connecting, of friendship, of her opening up...he watched it just collapse. Before he could say anything, he could see it in her eyes that he'd lost her. She was lying now...she'd already left. She was gone, and just like watching the TARDIS disappear while he stood there, he was completely helpless to stop it.
"If that's what you want," he said, his own eyes gone empty and dead. "Then I guess that's it."
She stared up at him, her voice so quiet that he could barely hear it. "What else can I do, Jack? You don't want me." Those four words- he could see that hurt there, and she licked her lips. "I- I can act like it doesn't matter. That it doesn't hurt, that- that it's okay. I thought- I think, maybe, that it'd be best? I never bring this up again. We don't- We don't talk about it. Because-" Because it tore her heart out when he looked at her and said no, when he looked at her and said he chose not to be with her because he loved her too much. "I love you, and you don't want me, and I can't just turn it off. What should I do?"
"I don't know," he said, completely defeated. "I don't know what to do." He took a few steps, walking away, then turned back to her, opening his mouth to say something, anything, but everything he said, everything he did...it just made it worse. There wasn't any fix, and she didn't want him to anyhow. "I...I'll...Maybe you're right. If we don't talk about it..."
Right. Because that worked so well regarding other things.
"I won't," she promised, even though she knew that it wasn't right, to lock that away. "I won't mention it. I- I promise." She knew he wouldn't have that problem, but- but it hurt so much. "Alright? I- I just won't, and- And it'll be like I'd not said anything at all." She swallowed hard, her voice wavering still. "You're where my home is. You're my best friend, and-" I won't mention it. "Alright?" She was talking to his turned back, and for once was thankful for it. He couldn't see her face, couldn't see how this hurt her just as much as if he'd actually gone ahead and hit her, had stabbed her.
"I'll make it easy for you, Jack. I- I'll do anything I can. I just want you to be happy." Forget me. Forget this. Even though it was the thing she wanted the least, it didn't matter. "Walk me home?" At least, then, this conversation would have an end without either one of them leaving the other.
He closed the distance between them and held her lightly in his arms, pressing his lips to her hair. "You're already here with me...so where do you really want me to walk you?" he asked, drawing her along with him as he moved back slowly down the path without letting her go.
She had no idea if he even had a clue how difficult he made this. "Anywhere." The word was quiet, her head bent, trying to find some way- some thing to do. "Anywhere, Jack." She tugged him to a stop and hugged him again, before summoning up a smile from somewhere. "You pick."
It was just like it'd been before.
And somehow, that was more painful then anything she'd done thus far.
