[for dale]

[more_flexible]

It had been a year. Jack was keenly aware of the date as it approached and if anything, he'd been even more outgoing, more cheerful, and more flirtatious. Until Saturday morning. Saturday he became quiet, almost sullen, and he told House he was going for a walk. His walk took him onto the smaller mountain, away from everyone. He just needed to be alone.

A year ago was when everything changed.

He sat in silence all day, just thinking, and when he returned to the hut, he sat on the porch with Padfoot's head on his knee, quietly petting him. He didn't sleep, although he'd told Greg he'd be to bed soon. Instead, he stayed up until the sun brightened the eastern sky and then he got up and started to walk. He needed to do something for himself. He needed to try.

He made it to the path where he'd encountered Faramir, but as he approached the caves his steps grew heavier, slower. If he hadn't followed...if he hadn't been so willing to be in the man's bed...if he hadn't...

If he had fought harder, if he had kept his wits, if he had only...

If he looked, he could still see the faintly lighter skin around his wrists where the burn scars didn't tan quite as dark. If he thought, he could still taste the rum and the smoke and the filthy rag in his mouth. If he thought, if he could just stop thinking, he'd gone a year without really thinking about it at all.

He was at the mouth of the cave when he turned around and his steps became lighter, faster, until he was running and running and he didn't stop until he was on a familiar porch of a familiar hut. A place that had been safe for so long after...A place where, when he woke screaming, it was Dale beside him and no one else.

It had been a year. A year to the day, and with the sun barely over the horizon, Jack rasied a trmbling hand and knocked.

Comments

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

Dale was not unaware of what anniversary was upon them, though of course he was not nearly as keenly aware of it as Jack was. Neither was he surprised by Jack's visit, only by the timing of it.

As he met him at the door, still in his pajamas, Dale studied Jack for a few moments then nodded his head. "Let me make us some coffee," he said, reaching out and clasping his shoulder for a moment but making no other physical contact. "We can have it out on the porch."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack didn't answer, couldn't if he wanted to. His mouth was so dry his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth, so he simply nodded and followed along.

Once inside, the tremors stopped. For that he was grateful. He tried to breathe slowly, evenly, to keep some semblance of control, although he was certain he only had a tenuous grasp at best.

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

Dale found the fresh grounds and the pail and was quick to get them back outdoors again, unwilling to subject Jack to any more enclosed spaces than he had to. Jack was clearly in a state already, and Dale didn't want to make it any worse.

"This is some of the homegrown stuff," he said conversationally, biding his time until Jack was ready to talk about whatever Jack wanted to talk about. "I'll have to make it over the fire. Not as good as what we'd get down at the compound, but made better by the company we can enjoy it with."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He turned automatically and followed Dale back out, watching the back of his head. Everything seemed so sharp, so heightened, he couldn't tell if he was that focued or that scattered.

He sat on the step and wrapped both arms around his legs. He was in the same clothes he'd put on Friday after diving, and they'd been through the jungle and well-worn by today. He had two days growth on his chin, which was a rare sight to say the least, and he generally looked just like he felt.

"Did I wake you up?" he asked, finally, taking the conversational tack as well.

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

Dale shook his head as he built up the fire to boil some water. "I've been a light sleeper lately," he admitted. No need to go into why, not right now at any rate. "Have you eaten anything, Jack?" And he didn't just mean that morning.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"No. I..."

He looked confused for a moment, then shook his head. "I ate last night. When I fed the dog. I took some boar, but wasn't really hungry."

Boar. He hadn't had a problem with it at all, but last night he could barely choke it down. Greasy, tepid, stringy...the thought of it made him queasy.

"I think it's too early for breakfast in the kitchen," he continued lamely, eyes on the fire.

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"I don't think we want to be heading down to the compound anyway," said Dale, skirting the edges of the subject without really saying anything. "We have some fruit if you think your stomach can handle it."

But for now, it was coffee for both, in cups filched from the compound kitchen, a little stained and chipped from constant use.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, okay," Jack agreed, eyes locked on the flames until he couldn't take it anymore and simply closed them.

One breath, then another, and without looking up, he said, "It's a year. Today," barely above a whisper.

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

Dale started to just nod, but Jack wasn't looking at him so instead he said, almost equally softly, "I know."

When he stood up again, he very carefully went over and squeezed Jack's shoulder, just to let him know he was there.

"Coffee's ready," he said. "Let's sit down, Jack."

Just like they used to.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He'd said it. He'd said it out loud. Somehow, he thought the act of doing that would make it easier, but it didn't. He took a slow, shuddering breath and rose, moving to the chair he'd always occupied when he'd stayed with Dale.

Once seated, he took his cup and looked at the brew, then gave Dale a wan smile. "Smells good," he said, raising the cup before taking a sip.

He couldn't even taste it, really. But it was hot, and the sensation was good.

"I...just needed to see you."

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"I'm glad you did," said Dale, sipping his own coffee, unable to forego that morning ritual. "You've been on my mind lately, Jack. It's been a long and sometimes difficult road, this island, hasn't it."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"It has," he agreed as he eased back into the chair. Eased back into old habits, like eleven months hadn't gone by so very fast. Like he had never left, never grew, never changed.

Like he'd never grown accustomed to ignoring the events of the weekend, even though these past couple days it had been impossible to do so.

"It doesn't seem like it's been a year," he said, finally looking over at Dale. He looked much as he always did, especially in the mornings.

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"No, it doesn't, does it?" agreed Dale, looking out at the island for a moment, in the growing morning light. "Not until you think about everything that's happened since then, everything that's changed."

Of course, in the face of everything that had changed, sometimes the things that hadn't stood out all the more clearly.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack watched Dale's profile, took note of the line of his jaw and the slope of his nose, the soft convex bump pf his lips and the strength of his chin. It seemed like forever since he'd just looked at him.

All the things that had changed, and the things that had remained the same. Jack sighed and nodded.

"I came here," he started, then paused to take a drink. Dale seemed like he knew, and Jack wouldn't be surprised if he knew more than Jack himself did. "I've talked to Doctor Deane, you know. For a while now. I thought it was over. I though, after he died, it was over. But...it isn't."

All this time and the one thing that had never really changed was his inability to label what had happened.

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"I don't think it's ever that easy," said Dale carefully. He might not have shared this experience, but he'd had others of his own, and there were some experiences that a year hardly made a dent in. "What happened to him matters, but not as much as what happened to you. And that's something that doesn't go away just because he did."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He ran a hand through his hair, not noticing how dirty it was. "I know. I do. It takes time. I can't expect it to happen now," he said, like he was reciting...which he kind of was. The bookshelf could be so helpful at times.

"I woke up yesterday and...I can't explain it. Everything made me jump. Everything set me on edge. Diving used to help, but on Friday I couldn't stand not breathing. Yesterday, I didn't even tell Greg where I was going. I just went into the jungle and sat there."

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"It has to be heavy on your mind right now," said Dale, sipping his coffee slowly, trying to remain as steady for Jack as he always had been. "Both your conscious and your unconscious mind. We don't always understand the things we do, at least not at first."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

That sparked a small chuckle and Jack shook his head. Most of the time he had no clue why he did what he did. He just acted, which had gotten him in hot water more than once.

"Like coming here," he said, looking back at Dale affectionately. "No clue why I came, except I knew you'd be...you."

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"Well, where else were you going to go to watch the sunrise?" said Dale, raising his coffee to him in a casual toast. "We've got the best seat in the house."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Another soft chuckle and Jack raised his cup in response. "Touche," he said, turning his eyes to the sky that was warming from lavender to rose and gold. It was surprising how even when he felt ashamed and like a failure, like he'd done everything wrong that day, the sun kept rising and every day there was something gorgeous. Something new.

"Definitely better than my view," he nodded. "The nights I don't sleep, or I wake up from the strangest dreams, I have to wait until it's over the trees before I can see much."

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"There are definitely perks to living up here," said Dale. "The sun is just one of them." He sipped his coffee again, then looked over at Jack. "Another is the privacy. Tell me what's on your mind, Jack."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

There it was. He knew that Dale would only let him dance around it for so long. But that's why he came here, right? Because whether he wanted to or not, he needed to deal with this, face it head on like any other enemy.

Jack closed his eyes. He could look at Dale, or he could say it, but it was just impossible to do both. "We've talked about it before. Control and...things. I've told myself everytime it's come up that I only did what I had to to survive. But the truth is...it was my fault. I went with him because I wanted him. Just...not how it happened. I should have known something was wrong. I should have seen it. I'm good at reading people, it's how I've stayed alive. One mistake, one moment where I let it slip because it's so safe and dull here, one time and I can't get past it."

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"You need to tell yourself it wasn't your fault, Jack," said Dale, "and you need to keep telling yourself that until you believe it, no matter how long it takes. Whatever other things you might be bearing on your shoulders - and we all certainly have our things - this shouldn't be one of them. This one isn't on you, Jack."