[For Ianto] Remembering

[more_flexible]

Jack had left House back in the hut and taken his sweaty, sandy self to the shower. He stood under the water so long he lost track of time, thinking of the memories that had broadsided him, as well as what House had said. Archaic, quaint categories...the man? What did that mean? He'd long ago accepted the fact that House was who he followed, but that didn't make him...

Jack stood beneath the spray, lost in thought until the water went cool against his skin. Only then did he shut it off and dry and dress. He wasn't going to figure anything out in the bathroom.

Jeans and a t-shirt and no shoes were quick to put on, then Jack went to the kitchen for some coffee. By the time he got there he was lost in thought once again, this time of the memory of Gray, of his parents...of home. He took a seat in the far corner and closed his eyes, and his coffee remained untouched.

He had had a home and a family...once.

Comments

[coffee_sir]

One of the positive things about being a dog owner, and probably the only one that Ianto would ever admit to, was that whenever she needed to be fed, he had an excuse to pop into the kitchen and drink coffee at whatever hour. Such was his intention then, and it was only after he had filled a dish with kibble that he noticed Jack in the corner.

Frowning, and fearing the worst, though not the absolute worst as he did not seem to be either drunk or high, Ianto ventured closer, leaving Banon to her dinner. "Jack?" he said gently, sitting down without invitation, his curiosity and concern obvious.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He looked up, but it took a moment for him to pull back from his thoughts and recognize who was speaking to him.

"Ianto. Hi," he said, smiling automatically just long enough to call it a smile, then his face returned to the placid mask it had been. "Hi."

[coffee_sir]

"Jack," he repeated, a little more sure now that there was definitely something wrong, and communicating simply in his tone that he wanted to know what it was, though it was not so firm as to say he would not accept 'no' as an answer. "You alright?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He started to shake his head. It was a small movement to start, then almost more of a twitch than anything. "No? I don't know. I..."

He looked up, making eye contact, hoping Ianto could see he hadn't lost his mind.

"I saw my little brother. On the beach." He paused, licking his lips. "...And my parents."

[coffee_sir]

Ianto blinked, actually somewhat startled and showing it, sitting up straighter in his chair.

"What, this beach?" he said. "Here? They're here?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"No. Just a memory. Vision. Hallucination. They aren't. I..."

God, he'd already admitted it once. The second time didn't seem to be any easier.

"My brother, I let go of his hand. During an invasion...I let him go and I never found him."

[coffee_sir]

Ianto knew Jack well enough to assume what his feelings on that particular moment in his life were. "Jack, don't blame yourself," he said. The fact that Jack was hallucinating could, for the moment, be placed on the back burner. "I'm sure you did all you could but... sometimes that's just not enough." Which was a sentiment Ianto had learned the hard way, and still had trouble accepting at times, so he wouldn't have been surprised if Jack didn't accept it either.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I didn't do anything," he said quickly. "I didn't even notice he was gone. I don't know when...we were running and then he just wasn't there. I let go of his hand, and he just wasn't there."

His line of sight moved slowly from Ianto's face to some middle space over his shoulder. He could still see it, as vividly as on the beach, as clearly as if it had happened yesterday.

"I looked, and finally went home to see if he'd gone there. Dad was dead. Mom was crying...and Gray was gone."

[coffee_sir]

"Jack," he said, leaning forward, speaking just sharply enough to hope to get his attention. "That wasn't your fault. You can't control everything. You're not perfect. And you can't beat yourself up for it this far after the fact."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Oh, watch me," he chuckled bitterly. One deep breath, one slow blink, and Jack's eyes returned to Ianto's. "I'd forgotten. I buried it so deep, Ianto. It took Adria to give me back my...life. My whole life is different than I thought. Than the Agency replaced."

As if he hadn't hated them enough for stealing two years.

[coffee_sir]

Adria. Goddamn her.

He frowned, leaning back slightly again. "Is it losing the memories that bothers you, or the idea that this might change things?" Because he hoped it was the former, even though he had nothing to comfort him with.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I don't know. Really, I think it's...for years I've been so sure of where I came from, and now I know that wasn't true. I know this is right. It's how I was raised." He paused, his brows furrowing as he actually thought it through.

"I don't know what it's really going to change." He had ideas, but nothing concrete.

[coffee_sir]

"It won't change anything," Ianto said automatically. "Maybe small things," he conceded, "But you are who you are. Without that history, you've become Jack Harkness. Remembering could only make you better." At least, he hoped.

"What matters is that you remember now," he continued gently. "You couldn't do anything about not remembering before. You have to honor the memories of your family, but you can't let them haunt you."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I don't know if I know how," Jack admitted softly. "I don't even remember all of it. Most of it is coming in bits and pieces."

[coffee_sir]

"Then just... let it come," Ianto suggested. "Don't force it. Try to jog it, with little things that remind you of them, of home. Just take what you can get. You know how to do that."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He nodded slowly, finally taking his cup in his hands. "Delirium said I wasn't supposed to remember it at all. I know I buried it on purpose, a long time ago. It was the worst day of my life." Jack managed a tiny smirk. "Which is saying something, considering a lot of the shit I've gone through or done."

[coffee_sir]

Ianto echoed the smirk, but without any amount of energy or true emotion. "It is," he agreed. "Says how much you love them, how much they mean to you."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"They meant so much I forgot them?" he asked sceptically...until it occured to him that that was exactly what he'd done here, too. Squashing memories and burying them away so they didn't gnaw at him every single day.

"You're probably right."

[coffee_sir]

He didn't blink when Jack questioned his logic. It was rather backwards, but humans never worked one way.

"You do what you need to do to make sure you can get through the day," he said. "And if you love them too much, so much that you can't do that..." Well, the conclusion should have been obvious to them.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack nodded and let go of the cup, still untasted. "I guess. Yeah. At least I didn't go straight for the pot. I think...I don't think I really want to forget this again."

[coffee_sir]

Ianto made a scant nod himself in agreement. "I won't be providing you with any moonshine this time around either, I should think."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Thanks. That wasn't exactly a shining moment," he said wryly. "I think I might...walk. I don't really want to talk to Greg anymore."

[coffee_sir]

The frown of concern was very slight, barely more than a twitch of Ianto's eyebrows. "You're welcome at Daniel and I's," he said. "You know that. I'll find a way to shut him up if you don't want to talk about it at all. He does love to push."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, I really don't want to be pushed right now," he sighed. "I think I'll just wander for a while. Think things over. Having parents suddenly...changes some things."

[coffee_sir]

"Is there anything I can do?" he asked, still watching Jack with mild concern. "Want someone to walk with?" Ianto, at least, had the ability to be silent, should silence be desired.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"No. Thanks. I think I just need some time. It's...a lot. A lot of things I didn't expect. I need to find my feet, you know?"

[coffee_sir]

"Yeah," Ianto said softly. "Of course that's easier said than done. And you should remember you have friends to lean on if you can't manage at first. Doesn't mean you never will."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I know. I do," Jack said, standing for the first time in hours. He reached for Ianto's shoulder, for support of more than one kind, and looked down at him.

"I'll walk with you back to your place, if you want."

[coffee_sir]

Ianto's hand covered Jack's as he looked up at the other man, and for the span of a second, he was all adoration and love. The look was gone with a blink, replaced by a faint but warm grin as he nodded. "I'd like that, yeah," he said, rising himself.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Let's go. Keep your dog away from my...where did she go?" he asked, looking around for Banon. Usually she wouldn't leave him alone,and now he didn't even see her.

[coffee_sir]

Ianto frowned, glancing around himself. "Fach," he called, and snapped his fingers.

Banon, somehow noting that the mood over in the corner was not right for her, had left them to investigate the rec room. Which meant chewing at the corner of the couch. She trotted back into the kitchen, a bit of fabric and fuzz hanging from her mouth, and looked with curiosity at the two men.