[for Ianto] Truth Plot

[more_flexible]

He didn't know what the hell was going on, but it had to be some Island madness. Nothing like this had happened before. The way the day had been going, he just wanted to go home and climb into bed. He was beat to hell and tired. Jack wasn't entirely sure he could take much more honesty. It was under his skin and it nearly burned. He hadn't been honest with anyone unless it suited him in weeks. One of the few he had been honest with was Ianto.

Now, that was an idea.

Heading back to the hut from the waterfall, Jack went off the path and was at Ianto's hut in no time. He knocked on the door and walked in, hoping the man would be there. After the day so far, he just really wanted a friendly face and a safe place to sit before he went home to Greg.

Comments

[coffee_sir]

Ianto felt a little out of control. He was trying to get a handle on what exactly he could get himself to say and what he couldn't. He had to be truthful, it seemed, but trying to figure out whether 'truth' in this instance was 'full disclosure' or 'not lying' was difficult. Even more difficult when Charlie had been around distracting him.

At least some tension had been relieved that morning. Not much, and there was soon to be more as Ianto was inclined to believe that whatever was working on him would continue into Sunday, but it was better than nothing, ultimately. He was staying away from the bed though, and sat at the table in the main room as Jack entered. Banon was at his feet, but when Jack walked in, she quickly shifted her attentions.

"Good to see you, Jack," Ianto greeted. Apparently the default of telling the truth was 'full disclosure'.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"You too," he said, heaving a sigh. "There's something going on out there, Ianto. You might want to stay inside until it passes," Jack continued, taking a seat next to him. His lip was sore--he was sore all over--and the things Logan had said still stung.

[coffee_sir]

"That was my plan," Ianto replied easily, observing Jack's face in a quiet fashion. "Were you thinking of doing the same and that's why you didn't go to the clinic to get that cleaned up?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I'm going there. I just..." he said, shaking his head. "After this morning, I don't want to talk to just anyone. You wouldn't believe the things people are saying."

[coffee_sir]

"Oh, I probably would," he said. "I think I'd have to. I-- I've said plenty this morning." Which was completely true, just not detailed.

"What happened?" he asked, nodding at Jack's lip.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I was trying to avoid people and had the bad luck to run into Logan," Jack replied, resting his forehead on his palm. "There's some things I never wanted to know, you know?"

[coffee_sir]

Disappointed by the lack of attention Jack showed her, Banon came back to Ianto and stood up on her hind quarters, resting her paws on his knees. With a sigh, he picked her up and set her in his lap, remarking, "There's a lot of things you never want to know."

So much for casual conversation. "What did he have to say?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack raised his eyes, replaying the conversation and trying very hard not to think of certain confessions.

"He hates me," he said flatly. No huge revelation in that.

[coffee_sir]

"Lots of people hate you," Ianto pointed out, then rolled his eyes at himself and continued. "And love you. Why does he specifically hate you?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Not like that, they don't," he replied. "Let's just leave it at he hates me, everything about me, and move on. I don't care. I can just keep clear of him like I always do."

[coffee_sir]

"Except for the part where we're on an island," Ianto pointed out.

He opened his mouth again, shut it, pet Banon, then found himself speaking once more. "Something more is bothering you than just getting in a fight, than someone hating you."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Maybe, but that's the most immediate thing. There's something going on, the island or something, and I think I'll just law low before someone does something stupid."

Er. Something stupidER.

[coffee_sir]

"You're welcome to stay here as long as you like of course," Ianto said without hesitation. Also without hesitation followed the words, "As long as Charlie's not here."

He sighed and leaned back in his chair. "You can help me practice not lying but not saying everything that's on my mind."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Charlie told me she'd been staying here," Jack said, glad for a change of topic. "I saw her at the...what? Ianto, why do you need practice?" he asked, a cold knot settling into his stomach.

[coffee_sir]

"She has," Ianto confirmed. An eyebrow arched as he looked at Jack, idly petting Banon.

"Well then it feels worse than it sounds," he said. "I've spent the whole morning saying every bloody thing that's on my mind, sometimes no matter how much I don't want to, and I can't even make myself say a white lie."

It was, more or less, miserable.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack groaned and dropped his head to the table. "Please just don't say anything," he muttered. "I don't want to know. Whatever your deep, dark secrets are, I don't want to know."

[coffee_sir]

"I wouldn't if I could, but I don't think I can't," he said with a sigh. "And it really doesn't help that I've kept my mouth shut before when I've wanted to say things."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack was going to regret this day. Hell, he already regretted getting out of bed. At least he'd known what Logan had to say, mostly, except for the few things that were a complete shock.

He didn't want to know. He thrived on ignorance as dismissing things. He liked the secrets.

He was going to regret this.

He raised his head and looked at Ianto, waiting. Just waiting. No leading questions; no baiting. Just a look that he hoped was more 'say what you need to' and less 'shoot me now'.

[coffee_sir]

Ianto stared at him for a long moment, not really believing that he was just sitting there, waiting. He dropped Banon not unkindly onto the floor and stood up to pace a few steps away, and then come back. He didn't want to say anything, but Jack was basically asking for the truth. And making it look like such a terrible thing only brought terrible ideas to Ianto's mind.

"Why don't you go somewhere else?" he asked. "God knows everyone on this island needs you in one way or another, wants you around, since you've twisted yourself to whatever someone else needs because you hate yourself too much to just be."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I..."

It took him a second to really decipher what Ianto had just said, mostly because it was unlike anything he'd ever heard from the man. Well, no texactly, but any other time he'd touched on it, he'd couched it with a gentle tone and those pretty Welsh vowels. This time it was just...blunt.

"...What?"

[coffee_sir]

"You hate yourself," Ianto clarified, throwing up his hands in a small gesture of surrender. Jack had asked for clarification. "That's the only conclusion I can come to for why you can't figure out who you are and stay that way. Don't get me wrong. Of course too much selfishness makes you a prick and everyone wants to be liked. But too much selflessness makes you a self-hating martyr."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Okay, shut up," he said flatly. "I thought you had something to say. This is just the same shit I can get from the Doctor or House." Jack stood up and held up both hands. "Ianto, really. I don't hate myself."

[coffee_sir]

"I have to say what I think, Jack, not listen to commands," he pointed out. Still, he quieted for a moment, hands falling to his hips.

He couldn't keep himself completely silent for long though. "The Doctor and House only notice because they're self-hating bastards themselves. And it's obvious why. But if you don't hate yourself then why do you do this?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Do what? And they aren't! And..." Jack shook his head, flustered. On one hand, Ianto was right, even if Jack felt like he should defend the men. On the other hand, Ianto didn't even know House that well. No one really did. And on the other hand...

He'd have to be another species for that.

[coffee_sir]

"Play the martyr," Ianto answered. "Kill yourself, change yourself for everyone else's benefit, do whatever it takes to make other people happy when you don't even know what makes you yourself happy."

"And they are," he continued after taking a breath. "The Doctor's destroyed more lives, directly and indirectly, than it's possible to even count probably. And House is just a pathetic bastard with a desperate need to stroke his own ego by berating and dehumanizing other people. And I know, I know you see something in him," he said, lifting a hand before Jack could talk. If he was going to speak the truth, he wanted to get it all out and understood. "But I don't know what it is. I've given up on ever knowing and just try to take your word for it but you should be with someone extraordinary and if he's only that in your company then he's not extraordinary enough."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He was on the edge of saying something and stood, stock still, mouth hanging open. By the time Ianto finished, he had no idea what to do with everything he'd said. He had no idea where to begin. He'd known Ianto probably thought these things, but to hear them was something else entirely.

"You're on a roll," slipped from his lips as he turned on his heel. He could stand to listen to things about himself, but he wasn't going to stand by while the Doctor or House got criticized. Normally, he'd have swung, but this was Ianto and this wasn't normal, so walking away seemed the best option.

[coffee_sir]

And now he walked away. Ianto rolled his eyes and loped to the door faster than Jack was walking. He stood in front of it, hands behind his back and holding the handle.

"Jack you know I'd never say these things in normal circumstances," he said with quiet sincerity. "I do everything I can to be there for you and not give you shit when everyone else. Don't hold this against me just because you sat there and let me talk and it hurts."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I don't want to hear it," Jack said low and steady. "I know what I am. I know how fucked up I am and all my problems, Ianto. I don't need my best friend listing them off like...like charges."

[coffee_sir]

"And what are you Jack?" he asked, matching Jack's tone unconsciously. "I think you and I have different answers to that."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I'm just trying to get by. Every time I'm honest, more people walk away, so I lie. I don't want to be alone, Ianto. I've been there, and it sucks. So, yeah. I lie and I change and I do what I need to do because no one wants me."

Fuck, he'd had his fill of honesty. He'd had it with Daniel. Had it with Tosh. It was like a scab that kept tearing off and every single time it just hurt more.

[coffee_sir]

"I want you," Ianto snapped back, then immediately shut his eyes and shook his head dismissively at himself. "You know what I mean. You'd never be happy with me," he said quickly, then opened his eyes to look at Jack again.

"But you should want yourself. You should be happy with yourself. And House should want you just as you are, too. Completely honest. You can't love someone until you love yourself. It's one of those trite sayings, but it's true. He can't love you fully and completely because he doesn't love him. He can't be happy with you as you are, flirting with everyone, fucking everything, doing what you want to do because he doesn't have confidence in himself. So he drags you down with him."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Stop talking about Greg," he shot back. "I love him and that's..."

Loyalty is not the same as love.

When did you get so good at lying to my face?

Jack reached up to scrub his fingers through his hair. One door and Ianto was against it. No way out. No getting away from the lies and the shit and the pain that he chose to simply ignore. It was easier that way.

"He knows..."

[coffee_sir]

"He knows what?" Ianto prodded. "He knows who you are, so he volunteers a threesome thinking that'll make you happy? A supervised sexual activity, like that's all you care about? 'Fuck whomever you want, just don't leave me'. How pathetic is that?"

He'd kept his mouth shut before when Jack had told him. He'd bitten his tongue because he didn't want to hurt Jack, to make him look like that, so lost. It had been a good night and ruining it seemed spiteful. Now he couldn't stop.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I made him a promise," Jack replied weakly. "I made a choice. He knows the things I've done. Before here. He knows and he doesn't care. And he...he fixes me."

It sounded just as pathetic as House's words coming from Ianto's mouth. It was nothing h didn't know, but he had focused on the better things and ignored things like how much each of them needed the other. How much more House needed him. How much Jack needed someone to hold onto who would never leave him...and he'd played every angle to ensure that fact.

He was a monster and he knew it.

[coffee_sir]

Ianto's face twisted, disgust and confusion vying for a place.

"How has he fixed you?" Ianto asked, honestly not seeing, honestly trying to see and exasperated by the very thought. "By fighting with you endlessly? By making you think you needed to promise something like that? By listening to you and then ignoring what he doesn't want to know about? You know there's a difference between looking past something and not seeing it at all. One's acceptance and one's dismissal."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Like I do?" he laughed bitterly. "You might as well be describing me, you know. He was there for things that happened before you ever got here. He was the one at night after Adria. He's the one who's always there. He won't leave. He can't leave, Ianto. He can see what he wants and ignore what he wants because, in the end, the only way he'll leave me is if he disappears."

[coffee_sir]

Ianto couldn't stand it, this whole conversation. It made his stomach turn.

"Why?" he snapped. "Because he loves you that much or because he's too weak to do otherwise?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Because I made him that way!" Jack snapped, then turned away. One hand in his hair, the other on the back of his neck, he looked up at the ceiling. He couldn't help but think of the hundreds of ways he'd manipulated Greg.

Little things like massage and coffee and sex. Big things like twisting arguments and being so fucking vigilant during his detox. Things like the watch when he'd made a smart ass remark, beer and pizza...none of them were out of love. He might have convinced himself that they were, but they were just tools to keep House, and for all he knew, House did the same to him. But only to him, in the privacy of their hut. Where no one else could see that he wasn't always an ass.

[coffee_sir]

Ianto blinked, and just like that everything snapped into focus, like two lens lining up so that the blurry image suddenly became sharp and clear.

But you're the biggest monster of them all.

Jack was the same man as his Captain. Ianto just hadn't seen it.

Silently, he walked away from the door. A show of mercy or disappointment or both.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack collapsed in the chair Ianto had been in previously. Banon whined at his ankle and he reached down absently to give her some minimal attention. He kept his eyes on her, unwilling and unable to look at Ianto.

"You're right, you know," he finally admitted quietly. "I've tried to be happy or be myself, whatever the fuck that means, and it's just easier to do what people expect and be who they think I am. I'm not going to hold any of this against you, Ianto. I figured you saw it. I don't know why you'd want me, seeing what a complete...whatever I am. I can't let go of my past. I sure as hell can't live up to my future. And here...I'm just trying to survive. I'm not the same as when I got here, I know that."

He paused and looked up, absolutely impassive. Blank. "And just so you know, I'm not suffering the same compulsion you are...so you can hold this against me all you want."

[coffee_sir]

Ianto listened, but with his back turned. It was easier that way. He could just shut off every other part of his brain and listen, ignoring the sickening suspicion that he'd been manipulated as well, that this Jack or that Jack or some mix of them in Ianto's own mind had made him so loyal, had made him love him. If it was love.

Hands on his hips, back still turned, he answered coolly, "You're living up to your future." He turned then, and Ianto remember in a flash why he had turned his back in the first place. He clenched his jaw so tight it ached, but even after several seconds of silence, he knew it was no use fighting.

"I see what's there Jack," he said quietly. "You're just a man, both hero and monster. You can do magnificent things and you can do horrible things, but you try to do good. When you fail, you fail spectacularly, but when you succeed, it's brilliant. Just being around you is brilliant."

He lifted a hand to scrub it over his face, then pinched the bridge of his nose. It felt like a headache might be coming on. "And you know I won't hold it against you," he said. "I'll remember, but I won't hold it against you."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack had had a headache when he'd walked in, and now it was worse. This was easily worse that a fist fight with Logan. But it was true. It was all true. Not a white lie in a single damned thing Ianto had said. So, Jack figured, might as well have it all if he was going to have it.

He stroked Banon once more, ruffled her ears a bit, then looked up.

"Ianto, is there anything else you need to tell me?" he asked. Clear. Direct. Jack sat, waiting, sure it would hurt...but at least he wouldn't have to wonder what he'd walked out on.

[coffee_sir]

"Need?" Ianto clarified, eyebrows rising and eyes wide for a moment.

"I love you. I probably always will. And I'm fairly certain that makes me terribly pathetic, and most of the time I'll pretend I won't care, but I do. And I'm scared to death that you've been manipulating me just like you have House."

He stopped, hoping that he'd said everything he needed to say, but feeling his brain pick through what was 'important' and what wasn't anyway.

"And Charlie and I are together now. You'll probably need to know that sooner or later."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I love you, too," he replied quietly, then pushed on the table to pull himself to his feet. Squaring his shoulders, Jack took a deep breath and let all of Ianto's words settle to the back of his thoughts. If he kept replaying them, he'd lose his mind.

He crossed the room, leaving Banon to whimper in protest, and he stopped to kiss Ianto on the cheek. "Congratulations to you and Charlie. She's a wonderful woman," he said softly, then turned to the door. He was half out before he looked back over his shoulder. "I've manipulated you on purpose twice. Once to get a date, and once to get hit. And that's all the truth I can take."

[coffee_sir]

"And you stood me up on that date," Ianto reminded him, unable to really help it. Jack's words helped a little, but he wasn't sure if anything the other man said -- anyone said -- would make him feel like everything was as it was again.

"Jack," he started, walking forward, closing the distance between them before he could fully leave. "This... This was a lot. And I try never to push so... find me when you're ready? Just don't take forever."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I don't think I want to talk about this, Ianto," Jack said, keeping himself together through sheer force of will. "And you know how good I am at avoiding things. Stay in your hut. Don't talk to anybody else. This can only last a few days. Week at most."

He reached up and stroked Ianto's cheek lightly, not bothering to flash a fake smile.

"I'll see you later."

[coffee_sir]

"When have I ever made you talk?" he asked. That hadn't been what he meant. "I just meant if you didn't want to see me for a bit, I'd understand."

He reached up and took Jack's hand, squeezing gently before letting him go. "Later."