[for dale]

[more_flexible]

He had a bed and his own room. He had the Doctor and House and Ace and everyone and didn't even really need it, but it was nice to go in and close the door and...and feel guilty for being alone in a place where everyone could really use something that he could give, whether it was a smile or conversation or sex or just a warm body. His own bed offered nothing like peace because it was too new and it was empty; it barely smelled like Jack, let alone anyone else.

With all that in mind, he left without a word. He just needed to get away. Get away from anyone he had to be on for. Anyone who needed Jack to be fine. He wasn't fine and chips and cracks were starting to appear.

As he sat on the beach watching the sunset, all he could think about was how much he wanted to just be able to leave. Go somewhere. Cuddy had asked him about home...only one place felt like that and he'd left that behind. Sure, he had an open invitation, but how weird would that be, he thought as he tossed pebbles into a tide pool just to watch the sparkle of apricot light dance on the ripples.

Comments

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

This? was new. Jack set the glass aside and leaned in a little.

"Caroline?"

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

Dale nodded his head, and took another small sip of his drink, hardly tasting it. "She was my partner's wife."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Love of his life. Jack wanted to sigh or shake his head or any number of things. This was a perfect example of everything wrong with the old ways. Love and marriage and...well, that line of thinking was done to death.

Instead, he licked his lips and nodded. "Bad luck," he said softly.

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"It might not have been," said Dale with a bitter smile. "I was assigned to protect her; we started an affair. She would have been my wife, Jack, oh we talked about it, we talked about all kinds of things. I've told more than one person here that she was, but as much as we can start over again here, we can't change the past."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

That wasn't entirely true, but Jack let it slide. Dale wasn't talking about being the second gunman on the grassy knoll or making sure Victoria continued her husband's trek to Balmorie even after his death.

For some things there really wasn't any going back.

"Go on."

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

Dale opened his mouth, but for a moment he couldn't figure out how to go on. "She was killed," he said finally. "Before we could do any of the things we talked about. Killed by her own husband. Killed by my partner."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Murdered."

Jack swallowed hard once again and took up his glass just to hold on to it.

"Dale..." he began, finding himself at a loss for words. So many questions flew around his head. Did he kill the bastard? Arrest him? Was he there when she was killed?

But he wasn't going to push...so he waited.

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"One of the hardest things I've ever had to endure," said Dale, sipping his drink again, feigning a calm he no longer felt. "The loss and the betrayal and the... guilt."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

The glass wasn't enough. He took a final drink and set it aside before pushing up and standing in front of Dale. He held out his hand, just like he'd done at the beach.

"Tell me the rest inside," he whispered.

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

Dale nodded his head, but he wasn't sure how much more he could tell. It was another moment before he let Jack take his hand and lead him back inside. The memory was distant now, but it had been a while since he'd dredged it up -- certainly it was the first time since he'd come to the island that he'd been honest about all of it -- and it still had the power to hurt him.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack lead him in, walking backwards so he could face him.

"What did she look like?" he asked as he started to pull Dale's shirt off.

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"Beautiful," said Dale, with a fond smile. "A little bit like Annie. A little bit like Sookie, too. I'll miss her forever, Jack."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I know," he said as he got the shirt out of the way and pulled his own off. He pressed his forehead against Dale's and stepped closer. "You still love her? Even now?"

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"I still love her," he confirmed. "I never stopped. Doesn't mean I can't love anyone else, it's just still there, deep inside. I suspect it always will be."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack smiled as he reached up to cup Dale's cheek for a moment before pulling away. "Take your pants off and come to bed, Dale," he said as he tossed his own jeans aside and climbed into bed.

Caroline. He still loved her after how long? Just the thought of feeling like that for the rest of his life sort of terrified him. Was he really better off loving these people when it was only going to hurt later on?

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"It was my fault," said Dale, but he did as Jack told him, responding more to his tone of voice than what he was actually saying. "I was responsible for her and she was killed." He folded his pants slowly and set them aside before crawling into bed. "Any regrets yet about wanting to know my secrets?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack simply shook his head as he wrapped his arms around Dale. "No. Not even a little," he smiled. "Thank you. For telling me."

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"It's a place to start, anyway," said Dale, allowing himself to be comforted in this way. He didn't think he was the enigma that Jack claimed he was, but every man had his secrets. Dale just had one fewer of them now.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He held with one arm while the other moved a bit so he could toy with a lock of Dale's hair. "Before I ever came here, I loved a girl. I didn't know I loved her, not at the time. I died for her. I like to think I did it for the greater good, but I didn't. I kissed her goodbye and I got myself killed. She brought me back to life."

He took a slow breath as he settled into the bed, as close to Dale as he could get.

"She talks to me. Still. Here. Sometimes."

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"She sounds like an extraordinary woman," said Dale after a moment. He wouldn't have expected that sort of thing in Jack's past, not with the trouble he had coming to terms with his newfound relationships, but maybe he should have. "What does she say to you?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"She tells me not to panic," he laughed. "I started hearing her in the cave. That weekend. It's not possible, I know that. She's just in my memories...The Doctor told me she's gone. In an alternate universe with no way back."

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"Maybe you hear her because you need to hear her," said Dale. "I'm not big on possible and impossible, but it may well be that part of her that still lives inside you that's speaking to you now. Everyone person we love leaves a piece of themselves with us."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I'd really like to think that's true, Dale. That way I can keep people like you with me always," Jack said. "See? I'm getting better at being selfish."

[dale-cooper-fbi.livejournal.com]

"I think no matter what happens now, Jack, you're going to keep a piece of me with you wherever you go," said Dale. "I know I've got a piece of you tucked away in my memory, come what may."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack smiled and held Dale a little closer. "I keep so many things in my memory. I'd rather keep you in my life."