Logan

[more_flexible]

[after this]

The day had gone okay, Jack had talked to some people, taken a trip to the waterfall, come back and had coffee, and now it was time to find somewhere to sleep. Jack walked with Logan and was keenly aware the younger man was upset. He could almost taste it/ THe tension grew as they made their way to the Hidden Hamlet to settle down for the night. Each of them carried a bag and some bedding and Jack figured it would be more than enough to crash at Joe's for a while.

"Logan, what's the matter," Jack said when they were almost there and he just couldn't stand the silence anymore. "Just talk to me. I promise I'll remember. I'm feeling a lot better."

Comments

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I'm just tired," Logan replied coldly, shifting his bag to his other shoulder as they neared the Hamlet.

"I just want to sleep."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Don't lie to me. You know I can tell when you do," Jack said, coming to a halt and pulling at Logan to stop him too. "Tell me what it is."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"You don't know? You can't think of anything you might have done today that would have upset me? Think about it, think hard. Tell me there's nothing you did today that you wouldn't have wanted me to see," Logan challenged as he pulled away.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack thought about it. Thought about it hard.

"I...don't know. I talked to a few people, just like I always do..."

He had a feeling he did something. Maybe he just didn't remember.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"You know I don't know which is worse, the idea that you could forget something that hurts me this badly, or the thought that you would try and lie about it. Either way, fuck you Jack. I just want to go to bed," Logan replied, turning away and starting to walk again.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Logan, what is it? Helen? Abby? Del? Joe? What?" Jack asked as he struggled to remember every moment of every conversation he'd had. He tried, but there were gaps and he knew it.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"She was sitting on your lap!" Logan snapped. "In the kitchen, in front of everyone. In front of people who know us. She was practically straddling you, and you let her. You didn't tell her to stop. I was coming by to see if you were okay, and there she was. And you didn't even care."

Logan's face went from angry to hurt as he shouted, and by the time he was finished he didn't want to speak again for fear of letting out what he was bottling up inside.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Delirium? She's always like that," Jack said, his brows drawing together. "She's always been like that. Logan, are you really upset about what one crazy girl does? Or is it that I let her?"

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I can't believe you even have to ask me that. Don't act innocent, Jack. You know how I feel about this stuff. We talk about it all the time. If you honestly don't by now, then you've never heard a word I've said," Logan replied, looking genuinely hurt by the other man's reply.

As they reached the Hamlet, it became clear that Logan's old hut was abandoned, and he started towards it.

He was tired, and he didn't want to fight tonight. He just wanted to go to bed and hope that in the morning he cared a little less about what he'd seen.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I know how you feel about it but you can't honestly expect me to just stop touching my friends, Logan," Jack snapped. "It's not like I'm fucking them, or kissing them, or dancing with them. Hell, I don't do a million things I used to and I don't because I know it bothers you. How much longer is it going to be before I can't even look at people, huh? You're jealous over nothing and I'm sick of it."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Nothing?" Logan laughed bitterly. "Fine, imagine it was me, imagine you walked in on me and someone I'd been with was sitting on my lap. How would you feel?"

He narrowed his eyes and then backed away.

"If you think I'm being unfair, then fine. But I'm not going to just sit around and feel like crap all the time because you like the attention you get from your friends. If you can be intimate like that with someone, maybe I should be too. You have your friends, and I'll start making mine."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I would never begrudge you friends, Logan. And if I saw Veronica in your lap...I might be a little jealous, but I'd get over it. Because you're friends and I know it's nothing more," Jack replied.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I wouldn't let her sit on my lap. You know why? Because I'm married, and married men don't behave like that."

Jack's words hurt, and he hated feeling like he was being made out to be a villain just because he was hurt by something Jack had done. Jack had a habit of making Logan feel like he was irrational or unfair, that he was somehow being cruel by asking the other man to act like his husband.

He was really starting to get sick of it too.

"Forget it," he said finally. "You're just going to make me feel like the villain, you're just going to tell people how unreasonable I am, so just forget it. Do whatever you want. I'm sorry I'm not evolved enough to see relationships the way you do."

Tossing his bags onto his old porch, he pushed his hair back and whistled for Linus who had been trailing behind them. "I'm taking Linus for a run," he said quietly, looking upset rather than angry as he pulled the dog's leash from his pocket.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Whatever," Jack grumbled. He waited until Logan was gone and then took all the things inside so he could make up their beds for the night. Separate ones since he figured Logan didn't want anything to do with him tonight.

He went back out on the porch and lit a joint to help with his head. The tylenol took the edge off but now that he was allowed to sleep he wanted to sleep well. And he kind of hoped he'd fall asleep before Logan got back because he hated fighting with the younger man.

Jack tried to be a good husband. He tried to do everything right. But it seemed like no matter what, there was always something else he could fuck up. He was always hurting Logan and he didn't know if he was really that horrible or if Logan was just sensitive. Probably both.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

The scent of pot was still lingering when Logan returned, and he locked linus up in his old pen before heading inside.

He was quiet as he could be, and he put as much distance between himself and Jack as he could when he finally crawled into bed. Partly for fear of waking him up, and partly because he wasn't in the mood to cuddle.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack was still for a while and then he couldn't take it anymore and he rolled on his side to face Logan.

"Why does it bother you?" he asked innocently. "I try to do everything right and then it's never good enough. I always fuck up and I don't know why something like holding Del on my lap upsets you somuch. She's crazy, and you know I'm faithful..."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"It's not always about sex. Being intimate with someone- it's more than sex," Logan said quietly. "You act like I don't want you do do anything or know anyone, but it's not like that. It's just..."

He trailed off and closed his eyes. He was so sick of this fight. So sick of going through this over and over again. Maybe jack was right, maybe he was the one with the problem.

"Look, it doesn't matter, I told you, you can do what you want, i'm not going to stop you anymore. I'm done caring. If it doesn't bother you, then it wont bother me anymore. Clearly I just need to make more friends who like to sit on my lap or something."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Logan, I'm really trying to understand," Jack replied. "Maybe it's because I don't think it's intimate.It's just Delirium with no concept of personal space. It's just Abby ruffling my hair because she does. It doesn't mean anything to me. It's no more intimate than when Nate or Matthew crawls on me. But if it really bothers you this much then I'll make her quit."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I don't care about people ruffling your hair or hugging you, Jack. Someone straddling your lap isn't the same as that," Logan replied. "And I don't want you to do it for me. I don't want that, okay? If you ask her to stop, I want it to be because you don't want her to do it anymore."

He wet his lips and rolled away.

"If you're only doing it for me, it doesn't mean the same thing."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack sighed and curled up a little.

"I'm never going to be good enough,am I?" he asked quietly. "Everything I change, there's always more. Dancing and touching and now what my friends do. And you want me to want to change them..."

It just really hit him. He was never going to be good enough, not matter what Logan said about not wanting him to change.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Jack's words just made him feel worse, and he got up.

"Then I'll do you a favour. If I make you feel so bad, if I'm so unreasonable... Then I'll go. I'll go, and you can do whatever you want."

He started to dress.

"I never asked you to change. I told you over and over again that I didn't expect you to change. But Don't ask me what's wrong if you don't want to know."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"You're just going to go?" he asked, getting up out of his makeshift bed. "Just like that? You're leaving?"

He watched Logan dress and there was something in his voice that sounded so...final.

"Are you leaving me?" he asked, his voice almost breaking.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I don't know," Logan said quietly. "Isn't that what you want? You make me sound like such an asshole, like I'm so unfair and so mean to you. I'm sorry that I'm not comfortable with watching you flirt, and I'm sorry that it hurts when I see some girl sitting on your lap. Maybe I'm just too sensitive. Maybe I'm just not the right person for you."

He swallowed hard, looking away as his eyes grew damp. "I love you more than anything. You mean the world to me- and I don't want to hurt you. If you feel like you're not good enough, then I must be hurting you. Why else would you feel that way?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I don't want you to leave, Logan. I just...why don't you ever see it from my side? You get jealous and defensive and I have to make changes even though you always tell me you love me how I am. But you don't. It doesn't make you the villain, it's just...we're never going to agree on this. What's okay. What's not. I feel like you want me to be something I'm not and I don't know how to be all yours any more than I am."

He sniffled Loudly and ducked his chin, trying to hide his eyes that welled up with tears.

"The only thing I know is I don't want you to leave me, baby. Please."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I don't ask anything of you," Logan argued. "I just want you to behave like anyone else would. I just... Fuck," he swore and turned away, venting his frustration by punching the wall.

It hurt, and the pain helped as he took a deep breath.

"I try really hard to see it your way, and I've backed off a lot. I don't get upset when you tell me you've been off getting high with Alcuin, or when you dance really slowly with people I know you only see as friends. But you never see things my way. When she was sitting on your lap, did you even think about how it looked? Not just to me, but to everyone. They saw a married man with a girl on his lap, who wasn't being friendly. I've seen how she is with you, Jack. She wants nothing more than to be naked with you, and you indulge her. Where other people would draw a line, you turn a blind eye and ignore it. That hurts. You may not want to hear it, but it hurts, and it's humiliating. People must think I'm so stupid, they must think I'm so pathetic- married to a man who'll brazenly flirt in the middle of the kitchen with a girl who wants to get in his pants."