Logan

[more_flexible]

[after this]

The day had gone okay, Jack had talked to some people, taken a trip to the waterfall, come back and had coffee, and now it was time to find somewhere to sleep. Jack walked with Logan and was keenly aware the younger man was upset. He could almost taste it/ THe tension grew as they made their way to the Hidden Hamlet to settle down for the night. Each of them carried a bag and some bedding and Jack figured it would be more than enough to crash at Joe's for a while.

"Logan, what's the matter," Jack said when they were almost there and he just couldn't stand the silence anymore. "Just talk to me. I promise I'll remember. I'm feeling a lot better."

Comments

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack sighed and curled up a little.

"I'm never going to be good enough,am I?" he asked quietly. "Everything I change, there's always more. Dancing and touching and now what my friends do. And you want me to want to change them..."

It just really hit him. He was never going to be good enough, not matter what Logan said about not wanting him to change.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Jack's words just made him feel worse, and he got up.

"Then I'll do you a favour. If I make you feel so bad, if I'm so unreasonable... Then I'll go. I'll go, and you can do whatever you want."

He started to dress.

"I never asked you to change. I told you over and over again that I didn't expect you to change. But Don't ask me what's wrong if you don't want to know."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"You're just going to go?" he asked, getting up out of his makeshift bed. "Just like that? You're leaving?"

He watched Logan dress and there was something in his voice that sounded so...final.

"Are you leaving me?" he asked, his voice almost breaking.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I don't know," Logan said quietly. "Isn't that what you want? You make me sound like such an asshole, like I'm so unfair and so mean to you. I'm sorry that I'm not comfortable with watching you flirt, and I'm sorry that it hurts when I see some girl sitting on your lap. Maybe I'm just too sensitive. Maybe I'm just not the right person for you."

He swallowed hard, looking away as his eyes grew damp. "I love you more than anything. You mean the world to me- and I don't want to hurt you. If you feel like you're not good enough, then I must be hurting you. Why else would you feel that way?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I don't want you to leave, Logan. I just...why don't you ever see it from my side? You get jealous and defensive and I have to make changes even though you always tell me you love me how I am. But you don't. It doesn't make you the villain, it's just...we're never going to agree on this. What's okay. What's not. I feel like you want me to be something I'm not and I don't know how to be all yours any more than I am."

He sniffled Loudly and ducked his chin, trying to hide his eyes that welled up with tears.

"The only thing I know is I don't want you to leave me, baby. Please."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I don't ask anything of you," Logan argued. "I just want you to behave like anyone else would. I just... Fuck," he swore and turned away, venting his frustration by punching the wall.

It hurt, and the pain helped as he took a deep breath.

"I try really hard to see it your way, and I've backed off a lot. I don't get upset when you tell me you've been off getting high with Alcuin, or when you dance really slowly with people I know you only see as friends. But you never see things my way. When she was sitting on your lap, did you even think about how it looked? Not just to me, but to everyone. They saw a married man with a girl on his lap, who wasn't being friendly. I've seen how she is with you, Jack. She wants nothing more than to be naked with you, and you indulge her. Where other people would draw a line, you turn a blind eye and ignore it. That hurts. You may not want to hear it, but it hurts, and it's humiliating. People must think I'm so stupid, they must think I'm so pathetic- married to a man who'll brazenly flirt in the middle of the kitchen with a girl who wants to get in his pants."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

That shut him up. Jack didn't know what to say...because Logan was right. Jack had just honestly never thought of it that way. He'd told Delirium no and for him that was the end of it. He didn't see her as any sort of temptation.

But yes, what must everyone else think of Jack, seeing that. What must they think of Logan. No wonder people seemed surprised to find out Jack was head over heels in love with his husband.

"I'm sorry," Jack said finally, his voice cracking as he said it. "I never think about that. What it looks like. I don't care what people think...but I should. You're right. I never meant...if you go...just, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I just didn't think."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"You never do. I ask you to think about it all the time, and you just give me this crap about how it shouldn't matter since I know you only want me. But it does matter. There's a reason people who are committed don't behave that way. ...It's because they respect each other," Logan said quietly.

"I'm not asking you not to dance, I'm not telling you that you shouldn't hug someone or that it's not okay to talk to your friends or whatever... I just wish you'd think about what you're doing sometimes. I wish you'd think about how it looks, or how it might make me feel. Because I do, all the time. Maybe I don't have girls climbing in my lap, but I think about what I'm doing when I'm with other people- because I love you," he said, wrapping his arms around himself as he leaned against the wall.

He was quiet for a long moment, and then sniffed softly.

"I don't really want to go though. I thought I could leave, that I could walk away an let you live however you wanted, with whoever you wanted- but I don't think I really could. I don't think I could live without you. If I lost you, I'd pray for the island to send me home."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I will," he said softly, though there was power in the promise. "From now on, I will. This is like a fresh start, right? A new house, a new life. So many people are gone and all my new friends know that I'm devoted to you. It's really just the old one's who'll never let me forget what a slut I was..."

He cut himself off. It was a sore spot and something he never really liked talking about. How he was. How he had been. He'd slept with so many people and some people...some people never let him forget it.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Slut? Jack, you were never... I never saw you that way, and anyone who does, they're not friends, they're assholes. Don't let people that you that way."

Pushing away from the wall, he stepped up closer. "So you slept with a lot of people, so what. They should respect you. You're married now, and if they don't get that- then fuck them. Don't let them fuck with you-"

He paused a beat and then scowled. "Don't let them fuck with us. Is that what's going on with Del? Is she still touching you like that even though you've told her to stop? Because if she won't stop, I'll do something about it. I don't want her screwing with you, and I don't like the idea of her harassing you. She has no right to do that. If she's sane enough to have kids, she's sane enough to respect you when you tell her to back off."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I...she knows I won't sleep with her. Or kiss her. Or touch her," Jack said, dodging just a little. She'd been plain enough and Jack had been clear and consistent with his no.

"She's just crazy, Logan. It doesn't mean anything. And everyone else...I don't listen to them. People don't even really ask. They just," he stopped abruptly and shrugged.

"I get the feeling a lot of people don't think we're going to last because of my past. Because they think I can't commit to one thing. One person. I feel like some people are just waiting for us to...fail. Maybe they aren't. Maybe I'm imagining it."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Or maybe they just want you, and they don't care either way," Logan replied.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"They can want me. They can't have me. I'm yours," Jack said simply, then something seemed to click and he nodded.

"Because they need to respect that I'm married. I mean, hell, even Helen respects that I'm married and when I told her no she quit trying to get me into bed. She knows there's plenty of other people who will go to bed with her."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"That's because Helen respects us both. She's a good person," Logan replied. "I've always liked her. Some of the people you call friends... I wonder, you know? I wonder if they just look at me like a passing interest for you. Something you'll grow out of."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I'm not going to grow out of you," Jack said softly. "I don't know what I'd do if you left me. I don't think I'd...well, it might be easiest if the island just sent me home. Because I couldn't really let you go. Not unless I vanish or die."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Stepping closer, Logan sighed and rested his hands on Jack's hips. "I know. I did say that other people thought that, not that I was or you felt that way."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I know, I know," he sighed softly. He eased closer and sought solace form just being close.

"God, i hate fighting with you, And I hate that it's always this same fight. It's like we're broken. I want to fix it."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I know, I feel that way too," Logan said softly, slipping his arms around Jack's waist so he could hold him.

"I'm sorry I get so upset about this stuff. I just- I can't help it."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I know. I'm sorry, too. Come back to bed, okay? I don't want to go to bed without you," he said quietly, leaning in to brush his lips against Logan's cheek.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan closed his eyes, enjoying the way Jack's lips felt against his skin.

"I worry sometimes. I worry that you'll get bored of me. That you'll get tired of fighting with me. That you miss being free to fuck whoever you want. It scares the shit out of me," he confessed as he guided Jack towards the makeshift bed on the floor.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I could never get bored of you," Jack replied, then kissed Logan beneath his ear. "And I don't want to fuck anyone else. I mean it...no one catches my eye, I don't think of anyone else. It's just you. You're my whole life, Logan. You really are."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan exhaled, and it sounded like a sigh of relief.

"You're everything to me as well," he said softly, holding on tightly and pressing a kiss to the other man's jaw.

"I love you," he whispered.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack tilted his head back and gasped softly. His hands moved up and down Logan's arms from shoulders to elbows and back.

"I love you, too," he purred. "I'm...suddenly kind of glad we're not at Joe's."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Suddenly?" Logan asked with a grin. Leaning forward, he kissed Jack's lips softly.

"Let's go back to bed, you must be so tired, Jack."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I'm a little high, but that just means my head doesn't hurt," he replied. "I know you hate it when I get high. I just smoked a little...you don't really want to go to sleep, do you?"