[for the doctor]

[more_flexible]

Jack went back to the treehouse after the lab. He couldn't figure out how he was going to handle the look of disappointment in Lisa's eyes, couldn't stand the thought of House telling him how stupid it was to have even tried. And the Doctor...fuck.

Just fuck.

He laid on the sofa, which still smelled faintly of Ianto, and watched the fire burn lower. He should get up and toss another log on. He should get up and do something. Anything. Thinking this over a hundred times wasn't going to change the fact that he was different than he had been before.

Comments

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

The Doctor didn't bother knocking when he came back from the compound (a rather fantastic book under his arm). He paused and blinked as he saw Jack, looking horribly dejected, more than he'd ever really seen him before.

"Hey."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Hey," he replied automatically, sitting up. He pushed his hair back from his forehead and forced himself to smile. ""Big Ben...I've been there. What's that about?"

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

It wasn't like the Doctor believed the smile at all. Not for a second. He sat down and shrugged. "I've been too, until the Slitheen knocked into it in the twenty-first and buggered it up. It's actually not London, just fictional...about a young girl who reclaims her throne. Bookshelf keeps giving me winter-themed material."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Oh," he replied, only half listening. He finally willed himself up to toss another log on the fire, watching as it caught fire.

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

The Doctor frowned and got up to stand next to him. "What's going on?" he asked quietly. "And don't tell me it's nothing, I'm in no mood for rubbish."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack didn't look away from the fire.

"What did Rose do to me? Really?"

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

The Doctor stiffened slightly, then went and sat back down. He needed to be sitting down.

"She brought you back to life. Rearrangement on an atomic level. It was her...but it was the heart of the TARDIS, through her, too."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He shook his head and stood up, holding on to the mantle. "What does that mean? Atomic level...Sarah Jane's robot said that, too. And the me that Gwen and Ianto know...I can't die," he said, his voice strained and rising. "It was the TARDIS? Like in Cardiff? Except I'm not an egg?"

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"I don't know. Here...you probably could die, they put everyone onto the same level, and..." He rubbed his forehead with his hand. "Yeah. I guess. I couldn't see it, it wasn't happening in front of me...I just saw what she did to the Daleks. Christ..."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I know. I saw," he said as he turned to look at the Doctor. "And it killed you...taking it out of her. I just..."

He stopped, swallowing hard. "I might be human. Same level. But I'm not the same. I felt it before I got here but I didn't have time to think about it."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

The Doctor got up, nodding, and looked at him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "And now something's...proven it?"

Maybe he'd fallen out of a tree and been fine, or something. Sometimes Rose had good ideas, but the road to hell was paved with them. Almost literally.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack shook his head and looked back to the fire. "It's just on my mind. Thinking I really made a mistake agreeing to try with Lisa," he said quietly.

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

And now the Doctor was quite confused at all. He'd had a lot on his mind, and therefore things weren't coming together like they should. For example, he thought Jack was saying he was right, which was not the point at all. "Well...it's done now, yeah? You made a go at it and what comes, comes."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Right," he said quiet and tight. "What comes, comes."

He crossed back to the sofa and sat, legs stretched out before him. "I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing anymore."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

Turning, he looked back at Jack, swallowing hard and basically staring. "What happened, Jack?" he asked. "Did things not...work out with Dr Cuddy? I...I know I didn't want that, but I am sorry that your plans..."

Bloody hell.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I don't know yet. I don't know anything yet," he said softly. "She acts so happy, and she should know for sure any day now."

The fire blurred, but the tears that gathered didn't fall. Fuck.

"She's going to be crushed. If it doesn't work out."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

The Doctor sat down and put his arm around Jack's shoulders. "I know," he said quietly. "You...think you couldn't, then?"

Sometimes he really wanted to kick both Rose and the TARDIS in the shins, until he remembered they weren't there anymore and felt guilty about it.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Stands to reason, you know. How many immortals did we ever meet who had kids running around, huh?" he asked. "And it's not like I have offspring all over the universe. That would have been catalogued."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

The Doctor swallowed hard, once more. "Would have been a thick file," he joked, weakly. "I'm so sorry, Jack. I..."

Lilia. Now wasn't the time.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"It would have been," he shrugged, looking at him. "K9 knew. I touched his head and he knew."

Jack leaned in to him, biting his lip hard. Three months ago he would have thought this was the most wonderful blessing. No pregnancy worries, ever. Now...

"Am I even a man anymore?" he asked, sinking until his face was pressed to the Doctor's chest.

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"He knew my DNA was human now," the Doctor remarked offhandedly, then pulled Jack in, arms wrapped around him, and closed his own eyes as his brow furrowed. God, his head hurt.

"I think...you're more a man now than you've ever been."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

It took a minute for the tears to start, but when they did there was no stopping them. He shook silently and clung to him, his heart ripped in two.

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"Jack..." But there weren't really words, just a need to say his name and no need to respond. He pulled Jack in further, fingers gently stroking his back.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He'd been waiting for it all day. He'd felt it creeping up, choking him, clutching inside his chest. As he let go, all he could think of was how easily he'd agreed to be open with the Doctor. If it had been anyone else he would have been able to hold out longer.

When it finally passed, he let go and sat up, wiping his face with his palm.

"Sorry...I just...sorry."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"Hey." The Doctor handed him a tissue (he'd swiped a bunch from the lodge as his nose had been running a little outside). "Don't apologise to me, yeah?"