[for logan]

[more_flexible]

Jack had had a lot on his mind since Mardi Gras. Most of it centered on time, the Doctor, and the past. Except this time it had little to do with lingering doubt or questions and more about how to help Bernice begin to let things go. Or, barring that, get to a point where it wasn't eating her alive.

He'd burned off a lot of energy at ITF training and after he had showered and eaten, he came home to continue on a project for Helen. Chances were good she'd see it before it was done, which only made him try to finish it faster. As he carved carefully, he tried to concentrate and not let his thoughts wander in the direction of Logan and how he might be or all the things that had happened during training that he wanted to tell him. None of it amounted to much, but he wanted to tell him anyhow...and find out what the other man had been doing as well. And he tried not to think about the fact that he hadn't gotten much out of him since before the party. Something had happened, he puzzled that much out, but he didn't know what and that put him on edge.

Comments

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"You know the thing about GHB, shitty GHB anyway, is that it's got that salty taste to it," Logan said, wandering back over to the table and looking Jack in the eye. "You'd think you'd notice it, but most of the time you just aren't expecting it. I dunno how many times I've had my drink spiked. Partly 'cause I stopped counting after the second time, and partly 'cause I just don't remember. I have whole nights I can't remember. Days that are a blur. ...But enough about me. Before it kicks in Jack, just tell me this. Sitting in the dark, alone, with a rope around your neck, that's something you'll never forget, right? So what made you think it would be an okay thing to do to me?"

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He dropped his cup and swallowed hard as he rose to his feet. He was so angry he didn't even bother to answer, instead heading for the window so he could shove his finger down his throat since there was no such thing as an anti-toxin here. If he'd still been thinking like an agent...

His heart was pounding and adrenaline rushed through his system so quickly that before he could even get across the room he was staggering.

"You fucking little..." he slurred, turning to look at Logan. The man was blurry around the edges and Jack blinked slowly, trying hard to focus.

"...bitch."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Reaching out, Logan caught Jack by the arm, gently guiding him back over to the bed. "Don't worry, I'm not a total bastard. Won't do anything to you that you wouldn't do to me. ...Not that you'll remember anyway."

Laying Jack out on the bed, he crawled into bed beside him, stroking his hair and then starting to open the other man's shirt.

"I'll remember though. This time I get to remember."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack struggled to keep his eyes open, but he went just where Logan moved him.

"Logan."

Don't, he wanted to say. Worse than the dark or the rope or any of that was the very thought of not remembering. Of Logan purposely and knowingly stealing his memory. Two years gone, and he had no idea what had happened. He could care less what they did together or how Logan treated him. Games and sex...he was willing to do anything. But his memory was all he had.

He was fairly certain he'd explained everything well and that Logan would understand. That he'd make it okay. The other man's hands were so gentle. Tender. He closed his eyes and shook his head, barely protesting.

"Please," he added...to everything he only thought he'd said aloud.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan didn't have it in him to take advantage, not really, and he stripped Jack slowly, knowing the other man preferred to sleep in the nude. Once all his clothes had been shed, Logan folded them all and began to undress himself, finding one of Jack's t-shirts and pulling it on over his head.

Jack looked so peaceful, and he could almost convince himself that there was nothing strange going on as he crawled into bed beside him. That there was nothing wrong or disturbing about pulling up the covers and curling up beside him, one arm slipping around his middle and holding on tightly.

"Love you," he whispered, pressing his lips to the other man's jaw and closing his eyes. "You're a fucking bastard, and I hate the shit you do sometimes, but I love you."

It was all so innocent. ...Though Jack didn't need to know that.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

When Jack woke up, the sun was high and his head hurt. He was disoriented and dizzy when he tried to stand, and sat on the edge of the bed for a minute, trying to get his bearings.

The last thing he really remembered was letting Logan out of the closet. He didn't recall taking his clothes off or anything...anything until now. He turned to look at Logan and shoved his shoulder.

"Hey," he said weakly. "Wake up."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan hadn't been asleep long, having spent most of the night watching over Jack, and he looked worn out and sluggish as he opened his eyes.

He tensed a little as his brain slowly started to take in what had happened, leaving him wishing he'd been awake first. Slowly sitting up, he raised one hand up slowly, ready to block if Jack decided to take a swing.

"Hey," he replied cautiously.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I feel like crap," Jack said, deciding it was a better idea just to lay back down. "What did we do? Did I hit my head?"

He closed his eyes and struggled to remember. Closet. Oh, and Linus.

How's your water?

He opened his eyes and looked at Logan in confusion.

"Did you...you did something to me."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan didn't reply at first, and when he finally did it wasn't to offer a confession or an apology. Just an excuse.

"You locked me in the closet. You gagged me, tied my hands, wrapped rope around my neck, and locked me in the dark. Do you remember that part? Because I do.

Besides, it's just a tool remember? At least that's how you tried to justify it when you pretended to drug me," he muttered, refusing to see the wrong in what he'd done as he slipped out of bed.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He watched Logan get up and move away. It was a struggle, piecing things together. Snatches of memory came back as Logan talked, but after a point there was just...nothing.

"What did you give me?" he asked gravely, making his way to his feet and fighting off the dizziness. "Why can't I remember anything? What did you do, Logan?!?"

He held his head, the fact that he was nearly yelling and so fucking livid making his head pound. The harder he tried to remember, the more there was simply nothing there. Angry and on the cusp of panicking, Jack scrambled for his neatly folded clothes...another thing he didn't remember doing.

"How many days has it been?"

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"It wasn't days, it was just a few hours. Eight, maybe. Probably less," Logan replied, surprisingly calm as he spoke. "It was GHB. Not even a full dose, just enough to- Just enough to knock you out."

He'd been expecting the anger, wanted it even, and again he waited for the other man to lash out.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Knowing that it was just overnight helped, but not much. Jack pulled on his jeans and then shirt before he could even stomach looking at the other man.

"So...just so we're clear...because I stuck you in the closet, you decided to make sure I wouldn't remember anything. Is that about right?" he asked, his voice hard and cold and tightly controlled. "I promised I wouldn't ever fake it again, but you did it to me, anyhow. So, you gonna tell me what you used it as a tool for? Other than adding a few more hours to the two years I've already lost?"

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Would you even believe me if I told you?" Logan asked quietly. "And don't act like what I did was so much worse than what you did. You basically said that drugging someone wasn't a big deal. You looked at me like I was crazy when I got pissed about it. ...I spiked your drink, alright? You did something to me that you would never let me do to you. Something really fucked up. So I returned the favour. If you want me to go, I'll go, but I'm not apologizing."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Nothing I ever used wiped anyone's memory," Jack replied flatly. It was unbelievable to him that in the future he would be okay with- that he could have developed- a drug like the Retcon that Torchwood used. After what had happened to him and all the time he'd spent seeking answers and retribution against the Time Agency...he just didn't understand how anyone would willfully take away memory.

He crossed to the door, opened it, and stood aside.

"Get out."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan wanted to say no. to ask to stay. To try and explain himself to the other man until it made sense. Until he was forgiven.

And yet he said nothing. Not even a word. Instead he pulled his jeans on, not even changing out of the other man's shirt turned nightshirt as he whistled for Linus.

"Jack-"

He started to say, pausing in the doorway and then shaking his head, his gut twisting a little as he headed out and down the steps instead. ...He'd known it was only a matter of time before he fucked things up with Jack. He'd just hoped it wouldn't be so soon.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack closed the door behind him and turned his back on it, leaning there heavily and pushing his fingers through his hair. He'd known all along he was creating a monster, he just hadn't thought that he'd mislaid his trust. Of everything they'd done, of all the things there could still have been done, Logan had chosen to exploit one of the few weaknesses Jack had. He'd trusted Logan in ways he'd never thought he'd trust anyone. If there was anything that could have ruined it all, it was betrayal of that trust. It was hard for him to accept that fact. As hard as it had been when the TARDIS vanished and left him alone. As hard as it had been when he'd realized that two years had simply vanished.

He'd been betrayed.

He had no idea how long it took for the headache to let up and for him to pull himself together. When he did, Jack went about his day. He gathered up the laundry and went to the basement of the compound. Just another day. Same routine. Nothing lost but one night.

Showering. Eating. New books (oh, and didn't the shelf choose the wrong day to have a sense of humor). Folded, dry laundry. The routine was so ingrained that he didn't even think about it. The only thing that was different was that when the sun set, he sat on his porch and watched the cats of Bohemia lay in the last slanting rays of sunlight.

And all he could thing, over and over, was House's bitter admonishment.

I hope you're happy now.

It was totally dark before he started for the Hamlet. The Doctor would call him a masochist. John would say he was weak. Logan would probably gloat that Jack was so his bitch. He didn't care.

He needed to know why.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan had spent most of the day in bed, still wearing Jack's shirt and forcing himself not to get upset or break down as he replayed the events of the morning over and over in his head. the look on Jack's face was clear in his mind though, and eventually he forced himself to just sleep, hoping to chase his thoughts away and not stirring until he heard someone on the tiny porch outside the front door.

It had to be Joe, no one else really came around uninvited other than Jack, and Logan forced himself out of bed. Sighing, he shuffled over to quietly ask the other man for some time alone, only to open the door and find-

"Jack," he said softly, swallowing hard and nearly closing the door, his instincts telling him to run. That the only reason Jack could be there was to hurt him or seek some sort of revenge. "Wasn't expecting you," he added awkwardly. "If you want your rifle or something, you can have it. Your ring too," he added, though he looked somewhat devastated as he moved to slip it off his finger.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He reached out and wrapped his hand around Logan's to stop him from taking it off. With a slow shake of his head, he stepped forward, through the doorway and into the room.

"I just have to know why," he said quietly. "Why, out of everything you could have done, why that."

His jaw was set and his shoulders tight as he held himself together. He actually did a fair job at looking like he was fine, but anyone who knew him at all could tell just from his eyes that he was hurting beyond measure.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan didn't reply right away, and when he finally did, his voice was tight and low. Taking a step back, he waited until Jack was inside and let the door fall shut behind them.

"You really don't know?" he asked. "You tied me up, with rope around my neck, and you left me somewhere dark. I couldn't talk, and I couldn't get free, I couldn't focus enough to get the damn rope off from around my neck and it left fucking burns... You treated me like he treated you. Hell, more than that, you locked me in a fucking closet like I was a kid in time out! Like you were my father! You did things I would never do to you. Ever. ...And I snapped. It was in my pocket, and all I could think was... It's what you would have done to me."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He watched Logan and felt something inside crack and then grow cold and harden. There was a reason he didn't let people in and now he remembered why. He fucking hated feeling this vulnerable.

"You left me tied up in Linus's pen," Jack reminded him. "Which was worse than the closet since your dog would eat me alive if you told him to. And if you honestly think that after you told me not to even pretend that I'd put something in your drink that I'd do it to you? I don't know what to tell you, Logan. Games and bondage are one thing, but on the short list of things I'd never do to you are mess with your memory or hold a knife on you and fuck your mouth until your throat won't work."

The more he spoke, the more hurt and bitter he sounded. If it all came down to what Jack would or wouldn't do to Logan that was justification, he wasn't sure what he could even say to that.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan couldn't ignore the stab of guilt he felt at Jack's words, but even as he looked away and took a deep breath, he knew he wasn't completely in the wrong. What he'd done- that was bad. That was awful, and he should have never crossed that line, not even as payback. That didn't change the fact that Jack had hurt him though, something Jack seemed happy to ignore.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I drugged you, and I'm sorry I did that to you, but do you really feel like what I did is worse just because you've had a harder life than me? I'm sorry that I was never tortured or raped. I'm sorry that all I have is some shitty abuse in my life. How dare I be upset about being tied up in a fucking closet? God, I forgot, my life isn't shit next to yours Jack."

He took a deep breath and then sighed, forcing himself to calm down before he spoke again. "I am sorry," he said again, this time letting the sincerity show in his tone. "For everything you've had to deal with, and for the shit I pulled. I don't care what you do to me though, Jack, I really don't. There used to be all these lines, and I don't know where they are anymore. I'm sorry I crossed one, but- I don't care anymore. ...Hell I almost wish you'd do something really bad sometimes. Or that anyone would. At least then maybe my shit wouldn't always seem so fucking trivial next to the amazing fucked up life of Jack Harkness."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Maybe you don't care, Logan...but I do. I've got know where the lines are because I can't find them anymore until things go wrong. If I'd known you'd react like that, I'd have done something else." He had no idea what, but there were buttons he'd push and ones he wouldn't. He'd known he was coming very close with the belt, and he hadn't even needed Logan's voice to let him know.

"You're the only one who has any idea what's gone on in my life, Logan. Other people know parts, but you wanted it all and I trusted you enough to let you in. I trusted you," Jack said, his composure falling apart and his voice cracking. "I'm sorry I can't just be...normal for you. That this is always a mess or a fight or a game or whatever you want to call it."

All he could think of, listening to Logan, were the scars and problems that he'd talked about with Bernice. The things there was no way to run away from here. And he wanted so badly to run right now. To just get away and save his own ass...except it was too late, and he knew it. It had been months since he'd realized there was no longer any chance to get away clean.

"I'm sorry. I trusted you. I didn't think..."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I want to know, Jack," Logan replied, shaking his head a little as he spoke. "I want to know, okay? And I didn't mean to make you feel betrayed. I love you, hurting you isn't something I ever enjoyed doing. Just- What I mean is, for every story I have, you have four, each one more tragic than the last. Sometimes it makes it seem like my problems are a joke in comparison. Like my problems and my past aren't as important as yours."

He wet his lips and glanced away. "Like maybe I'm not as important as you."

"I know It's stupid, but- Well, whatever. Forget it. I just never meant to hurt you, Jack. Not really. I thought it would just shake you up. It wasn't supposed to hurt."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack took a step backward toward the door, barely keeping the urge to run in check. You're always the one that leaves echoed in his memory- a whole chorus of voices. Maybe it wasn't supposed to hurt, but Logan had hit him where he was the most vulnerable and it was hard to stand and face it rather than flee.

"You never thought that part of what I love is that you're one of the least damaged people I know?" he asked softly. "That even with all the shit your father did, you have the kind of normal life I only ever dreamed about?"

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"How would I know that?" Logan pointed out. "And I'm not stable, if that's what You mean. I just spiked my boyf- I just spiked the drink of someone I really love as payback."

He was quiet for a long moment, and then swallowed hard before heading over to the table and pouring himself a drink as he sat down heavily in one of the wooden chairs.

"And I do love you, Jack. Even when I was in the closet, freaking out, it wasn't about not loving, not even for a minute. Sometimes I just react. I don't think."

He didn't explain himself any further after that, wetting his lips and offering one last bit of truth. "It's just one more time where I went too far while you somehow managed to stay in control. You're never going to fuck up as badly as I do, are you, Jack? You lock me in a closet, and I drug you. I leave you tied in a dog pen, you gag me where no one can see. I always do more damage. I'm always- I'm always the fucking villain," he laughed, getting upset for a moment as he remembered all the times he'd told Neil he was sick of being the villain.

"But I guess that's just how they wrote me."