[for logan]

[more_flexible]

Jack had had a lot on his mind since Mardi Gras. Most of it centered on time, the Doctor, and the past. Except this time it had little to do with lingering doubt or questions and more about how to help Bernice begin to let things go. Or, barring that, get to a point where it wasn't eating her alive.

He'd burned off a lot of energy at ITF training and after he had showered and eaten, he came home to continue on a project for Helen. Chances were good she'd see it before it was done, which only made him try to finish it faster. As he carved carefully, he tried to concentrate and not let his thoughts wander in the direction of Logan and how he might be or all the things that had happened during training that he wanted to tell him. None of it amounted to much, but he wanted to tell him anyhow...and find out what the other man had been doing as well. And he tried not to think about the fact that he hadn't gotten much out of him since before the party. Something had happened, he puzzled that much out, but he didn't know what and that put him on edge.

Comments

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He reached out and wrapped his hand around Logan's to stop him from taking it off. With a slow shake of his head, he stepped forward, through the doorway and into the room.

"I just have to know why," he said quietly. "Why, out of everything you could have done, why that."

His jaw was set and his shoulders tight as he held himself together. He actually did a fair job at looking like he was fine, but anyone who knew him at all could tell just from his eyes that he was hurting beyond measure.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan didn't reply right away, and when he finally did, his voice was tight and low. Taking a step back, he waited until Jack was inside and let the door fall shut behind them.

"You really don't know?" he asked. "You tied me up, with rope around my neck, and you left me somewhere dark. I couldn't talk, and I couldn't get free, I couldn't focus enough to get the damn rope off from around my neck and it left fucking burns... You treated me like he treated you. Hell, more than that, you locked me in a fucking closet like I was a kid in time out! Like you were my father! You did things I would never do to you. Ever. ...And I snapped. It was in my pocket, and all I could think was... It's what you would have done to me."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He watched Logan and felt something inside crack and then grow cold and harden. There was a reason he didn't let people in and now he remembered why. He fucking hated feeling this vulnerable.

"You left me tied up in Linus's pen," Jack reminded him. "Which was worse than the closet since your dog would eat me alive if you told him to. And if you honestly think that after you told me not to even pretend that I'd put something in your drink that I'd do it to you? I don't know what to tell you, Logan. Games and bondage are one thing, but on the short list of things I'd never do to you are mess with your memory or hold a knife on you and fuck your mouth until your throat won't work."

The more he spoke, the more hurt and bitter he sounded. If it all came down to what Jack would or wouldn't do to Logan that was justification, he wasn't sure what he could even say to that.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan couldn't ignore the stab of guilt he felt at Jack's words, but even as he looked away and took a deep breath, he knew he wasn't completely in the wrong. What he'd done- that was bad. That was awful, and he should have never crossed that line, not even as payback. That didn't change the fact that Jack had hurt him though, something Jack seemed happy to ignore.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I drugged you, and I'm sorry I did that to you, but do you really feel like what I did is worse just because you've had a harder life than me? I'm sorry that I was never tortured or raped. I'm sorry that all I have is some shitty abuse in my life. How dare I be upset about being tied up in a fucking closet? God, I forgot, my life isn't shit next to yours Jack."

He took a deep breath and then sighed, forcing himself to calm down before he spoke again. "I am sorry," he said again, this time letting the sincerity show in his tone. "For everything you've had to deal with, and for the shit I pulled. I don't care what you do to me though, Jack, I really don't. There used to be all these lines, and I don't know where they are anymore. I'm sorry I crossed one, but- I don't care anymore. ...Hell I almost wish you'd do something really bad sometimes. Or that anyone would. At least then maybe my shit wouldn't always seem so fucking trivial next to the amazing fucked up life of Jack Harkness."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Maybe you don't care, Logan...but I do. I've got know where the lines are because I can't find them anymore until things go wrong. If I'd known you'd react like that, I'd have done something else." He had no idea what, but there were buttons he'd push and ones he wouldn't. He'd known he was coming very close with the belt, and he hadn't even needed Logan's voice to let him know.

"You're the only one who has any idea what's gone on in my life, Logan. Other people know parts, but you wanted it all and I trusted you enough to let you in. I trusted you," Jack said, his composure falling apart and his voice cracking. "I'm sorry I can't just be...normal for you. That this is always a mess or a fight or a game or whatever you want to call it."

All he could think of, listening to Logan, were the scars and problems that he'd talked about with Bernice. The things there was no way to run away from here. And he wanted so badly to run right now. To just get away and save his own ass...except it was too late, and he knew it. It had been months since he'd realized there was no longer any chance to get away clean.

"I'm sorry. I trusted you. I didn't think..."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I want to know, Jack," Logan replied, shaking his head a little as he spoke. "I want to know, okay? And I didn't mean to make you feel betrayed. I love you, hurting you isn't something I ever enjoyed doing. Just- What I mean is, for every story I have, you have four, each one more tragic than the last. Sometimes it makes it seem like my problems are a joke in comparison. Like my problems and my past aren't as important as yours."

He wet his lips and glanced away. "Like maybe I'm not as important as you."

"I know It's stupid, but- Well, whatever. Forget it. I just never meant to hurt you, Jack. Not really. I thought it would just shake you up. It wasn't supposed to hurt."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack took a step backward toward the door, barely keeping the urge to run in check. You're always the one that leaves echoed in his memory- a whole chorus of voices. Maybe it wasn't supposed to hurt, but Logan had hit him where he was the most vulnerable and it was hard to stand and face it rather than flee.

"You never thought that part of what I love is that you're one of the least damaged people I know?" he asked softly. "That even with all the shit your father did, you have the kind of normal life I only ever dreamed about?"

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"How would I know that?" Logan pointed out. "And I'm not stable, if that's what You mean. I just spiked my boyf- I just spiked the drink of someone I really love as payback."

He was quiet for a long moment, and then swallowed hard before heading over to the table and pouring himself a drink as he sat down heavily in one of the wooden chairs.

"And I do love you, Jack. Even when I was in the closet, freaking out, it wasn't about not loving, not even for a minute. Sometimes I just react. I don't think."

He didn't explain himself any further after that, wetting his lips and offering one last bit of truth. "It's just one more time where I went too far while you somehow managed to stay in control. You're never going to fuck up as badly as I do, are you, Jack? You lock me in a closet, and I drug you. I leave you tied in a dog pen, you gag me where no one can see. I always do more damage. I'm always- I'm always the fucking villain," he laughed, getting upset for a moment as he remembered all the times he'd told Neil he was sick of being the villain.

"But I guess that's just how they wrote me."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Deflating a little and willing the flight instinct to ebb, at least a fraction, he stepped forward, and then took another. A couple more and he laid a tentative hand on Logan's shoulder, doubting whether it was all right to touch him.

"One thing I do remember...a long time ago, now...was that if you were the villain you'd have a mustache," he said. "And a top hat. I think there might have been a cape in there, too. Logan, I..."

His fingers tightened against Logan for only a second and then he let go so he could hold onto the chair. He closed his eyes before scrubbing his face with his free hand, sure that he was going to say and do the wrong thing, like all the times before.

"When I fuck up, I do it like everything else. Spectacularly. My last big mistake nearly wiped out the human race. You know how hard it is for me if I'm not in control. I try. For you, I try hard. But my memory...after what the Agency did to me? I don't even know if I can explain it. You have so much potential, Logan, but I never thought you would be able to scare me."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I know you do, and I didn't mean to scare you," Logan said softly.

"I'm really sorry, Jack. If I could take it back, I would," he insisted, rubbing his face again. "If I could give you the night back, I would."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Yeah...but you can't. You didn't even tell me what we did. Or what I did, I guess. I'm sure you remember it all," Jack replied. "The worst part is- I'm not sure I wanna know."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"Jack- ...I let you sleep," Logan said finally. His expression too pained for him to be doing anything but telling the truth. "You tried to throw up, and when you couldn't I led you over to the bed to make sure you didn't end up on the floor. I undressed you, 'cause I know you like to sleep naked, but after that... I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to do more than I'd already done. I pulled on one of your old shirts, and I just lay down with you. I watched you sleep until I couldn't stay awake anymore. That's all."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"That's really all?" he asked, wary but hopeful. He'd had all day to determine that he didn't feel like anything had happened, and he knew his own body well enough to know.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan nodded a little, staring down at the table rather than at Jack. "Doesn't make it any better though."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"No, it doesn't," came the simple answer, then Jack turned away. Rather than leave, he walked into the bedroom and stripped off his shirt and kicked off his shoes, letting them lay where each had fallen with a thump. As comfortable as Logan was simply curling up in Jack's bed, he had no problem taking what he considered his place now in the other man's bed.

He wasn't pleased and although Logan had apologized and Jack knew he truly meant it, the trust he'd felt was barely pieced together and so very fragile. He knew it could shatter at any moment, and yet he stayed, daring fate to prove Logan was really the villain he seemed to think he was.

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Logan didn't do a very good job at hiding the look of shock on his face, and he wandered into the bedroom a moment later. At first he simply lingered at the door frame, watching the other man, but eventually he edged closer, crawling into bed beside him and kneeling as he looked down at him.

Reaching out, his fingers toyed with Jack's hair, just like the night before, and he wondered if Jack would remember later, or if the memory really was gone for good.

The tips of his fingers brushed the other man's cheek, and eventually he crumpled, laying beside him and curling up against his chest as if it were any other night. His arm found it's place around Jack's waist, and his foot brushed the other man's ankle as he hooked one leg slightly over on of Jack's. Normal things. Comforting things.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

It was reflex now to curl his arm around Logan's shoulders once he'd settled himself in place. Jack kept his eyes closed and his breathing steady. He needed to get some sleep and hoped that things hadn't fallen apart so much that he wouldn't be able to do it in Logan's bed.

"I have training in the morning," he mentioned casually. "So...I'll be gone before you wake up."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I know," Logan replied, holding on a little tighter and wondering if maybe he had it in him to simply stay up all night, just so he could be awake when Jack left.

"But I'll see you after, right?" he asked softly.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Unless you have other plans, yeah," Jack agreed. He rolled just a little and pulled Logan just a bit closer so that he could turn his head and press a kiss against the younger man's hair.

"I'm in love with you, Logan," he said quietly. "Be careful with that. It's not easy for me." He dropped his jaw so he could ghost his lips across Logan's forehead, then he added, "And don't take the ring off."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Closing his eyes, the guilt crept back up on him, and his eyes felt a little damp as he held on even tighter, letting Jack kiss him without fussing or pulling away, or trying to take control.

"I won't take it off," he promised. "And I won't fuck this up either. I fuck up everything good, but not this, I swear."

Tilting his head up, he caught the other man's lips with his own, forcing himself to relax his hold on him as he pulled back slowly. "Get some rest. You can't go to training if you don't get some sleep."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Regardless of what had happened, kissing Logan felt right and it shot through him, obliterating everything else.

"I've done it before," he argued mildly, chasing Logan as he moved away, just to kiss him again. His arm tightened so he couldn't go far and the other draped over his hip to hold on lightly. "I don't mind being tired."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

"I guess we never did finish what we started the other night..." Logan said quietly. "Except, maybe this time less belts and gags, I just want to touch you, Jack. We'll save the good stuff for tomorrow," he whispered, kissing his way down Jack's jaw as his hands smoothed down the other man's side, gently nudging him onto his back.

"I'll even be good tomorrow. No fighting, no bullshit. Tomorrow, after training, I'm yours. Anything you want. Gags... even the belt. From you I can take it. I trust you, Jack."

The tips of his fingers traced patterns down the other man's chest, and he started to kiss his way down Jack's throat as he shimmied slowly down the bed.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"You always say that. That you won't fight. That you'll do what I tell you," he said, gasping at the feel of Logan's lips. He reached down to undo his jeans and wriggle out of them since he'd left them on in case he'd had to leave.

"All I ever want is you, gasping my name...knowing no one else can make you feel like that," Jack added. "Only want you. Fight if you want, but no games. No more stupid games."

[echolls-cursed.livejournal.com]

Swatting Jack's hands away, he tugged the other man's jeans down just enough to expose his cock, his fingers instantly wrapping firmly around it and stroking him slowly.

"No games," he promised. "I mean it, Jack. I want to give you what no one else gets. What no one else ever had from me."

Kissing his way down Jack's chest, he continued to pull the other man off, his tongue lapping at warm skin, and dipping into his navel before he moved a little lower. He let Jack's cock touch his cheek, and he held it in one hand as he ran the head over his slightly parted lips. Rubbing it against his cheek and chin, deliberately just missing his mouth even though it was open. Teasing playfully.

"No one ever makes me feel like you do," he said quietly, before finally taking the head between his lips and sucking.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

He had the perfect answer on the tip of his tongue...an answer that vanished with little more than a gasp when Logan took him in hand and the deep groan that followed. It never ceased to amaze him how hot and willing Logan's mouth was...how willing he was to do anything and everything. And, it seemed, always eager to learn more.

"Oh, fuck, Logan," he managed, his fingers finding their way into the soft, short hair. Jack squirmed on the bed, trying to resist the urge to buck into the heat and seek more of everything Logan would do.